Sunday, January 30, 2005
I never know how to take death. My Uncle Roy died sometime last night or today. Coroner was not sure of the time of death. He was young, at least I thought so. 51. My Mema died exactly 5 months ago. I was discussing with my husband that every big event in my life comes with a death. My Uncle Rodney died when I had Ansley. My Mema died when I had Joey. My Uncle Roy died on our 5th anniversary. I have very few people left to lose. They are no longer in pain, not suffering in a nursing home, I should be happy but I am not. I just visited my Mema's grave for the 1st time on the 17th. No one would let me attend the funeral, they were afraid for my health. I am attending my uncle's and Mike is to be a pallbearer. I have no one to watch the kids and I know it is not right to expose them to this at such an early age. Ansley went with me to visit Mema;s grave and I tried my hardest to explain to her that Mema was in heaven with the angels watching over us. She was very concerned about me crying earlier and I tried to explain to her that god called Uncle Roy to be with Mema and the angels. She doesn't understand. My mom was crying and Ansley took her bottle to mom and tried to put it in her mouth, she said she needed it because she was crying. Maybe she does know more than I give her credit for. Uncle Roy never married or had kids. I do not want to pity him, he had a lot of people that loved him. I just know now that there is nothing like a child's love for their parent. And he missed out on that. I hope he did not suffer and I hope he knew and felt how much we all loved him. We have been making funeral arrangements and flight arrangements for family, so it still feels weird and almost not real. I picked out his clothes he is to be buried in, jeans with a polo shirt and his favorite jacket. I wanted him to be comfortable, he was never comfortable in a suit or dress clothes. I guess I need to go to bed before Joey wakes up. Tomorrow will be better, I will learn how to deal with this and take care of everyone and everything that I need to.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I think the later it gets, the more crazy I become. My hormones are haywire and going on 3 hours of sleep is not a good combo. Its kind of funny but I can go from loving everything in sight to hating it in a matter of seconds. Ask the husband. Actually, read my last blog entry. I am all over the place tonight. Another spongebob night. Wonder what time she will fall asleep. I just read the "MetroDad" blog. His entry regarding the UPS man helping to ward off postpartum depression was too true. I keep buying and can't stop. Have almost a 3000 bill at sears now and I do not even really like sears. My UPS guy hates me I know. Ansley and Joey both have more crap than they will ever need. I just feel this insane need to buy. Going through my eBay phase right now and this insane need to sew my daughter boutique design rip offs. I think I want some Dairy Queen. Maybe tomorrow.
Everyday marital issues
I am very much in love with the man I married. He tends to bring out the worst in me sometimes, my only reasoning for that being the ones you love the most have the ability to hurt you the most. We have a schedule that would kill the most resilient person. 2 babies and I stay home and he works and goes to school. Add financial difficulties and a troublesome car, no time alone and I think its a wonder we stay married. Kids kill whatever sex life you may have had, at least that is true in our case. While we were childless we thought we had it so bad... 2 incomes, a house and 3 dogs and a lot more time. So so wrong. Time was taken for granted in the worst way. We both worked very hard to buy our house and to maintain a lifestyle we loved. I am materialistic to a point, I love to shop. Shopping was my cure all, my high if that makes any sense. I have since learned to deal with maybe a third of our previous income and I am a coupon queen. Again, my mushy brain keeps running from one topic to the other. No wonder people find me difficult to understand. That is kinda what I am getting to. I know marriage is a lifetime commitment that constantly has to be worked on to stay healthy. Maybe I am a little nutty but I feel as if no one understands me anymore, least of all, my husband. We run in circles mentally. Me never getting my point across clearly and I am sure he feels the same way. We both feel each other is blaming and that it is always about our own feelings, not the others. Our 5th anniversary is Friday. Technically 6, but I guess you don't count the time you weren't married. I think we could both handle a little more honesty, trust and understanding. Time too.
I think I just miss my husband.
I think I just miss my husband.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Okay, since I am a bad mother apparently, I did not know you are supposed to take your child to the dentist when they get their first tooth. I have called practically every pediatric dentist in Augusta and asked them their policies and whether or not I can be present during her visits. Most allow you to be present during the first visit and subsequent cleanings. That's it. I am finding it very hard to believe so many parents willingly let their toddler go through that alone. I asked what they do when the child will not be still, they strap them to a papoose board. Like hell anyone is going to strap my child to anything. I really really really do not want to deal with this. Help!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Had to take Ansley to the doctor today. I took her because her sleeping habits are driving me insane. She is not ever getting enough rest and I have done all I know how to do. I think I could write a book on sleep training. My son, no problem. I started him out in his crib instead of the bassinet by my bed. Back to the doctor visit. I swear I have the attention span of a turnip. We had an appointment at 4:45, we left around 7. Her Doctor is awesome and I really do not want to switch but each appt takes longer and longer. I explained the problem. I got an answer. Not what I wanted to hear of course. A condition called "night terrors" and a double ear infection. Yay. Got her antibiotics, no problem. Ear infection solved. The night terrors is a different story. I came home and of course looked it up online, even went to the DSM so I knew the info would be correct. It is not something that can be fixed with meds. Sometimes psychological counseling is needed. I never would have believed my 2 year old would need that. We got the chamomile tea that is recommended and we are going to try very hard to adhere to a schedule that is more beneficial to her. As for what causes this condition, it could be a number of things from eating too close to bedtime to stress and then, the kicker, lack of sleep. Gee, wonder what causes my kids ailment?
I thought Elmo was the little kid version of crack. I was wrong. It is 3:30 in the morning and Ansley is glued to the TV. Watching those damn spongebob DVD's. At least elmo is a tad bit educational, spongebob is making her dumber by the minute. Comatose is a good word for what spongebob does for her. She is usually a very active kid but she is sitting there like a rock. Every few minutes I hear a giggle but that is about it. I keep watching expecting to look over and see her drooling going "duhhhhh".
Everyone thinks their child is smarter than average, I may be one of the worst. My two wonderful kids amaze me everyday with how much they know, it even scares me at times. Ansley and I can actually have a conversation, She makes jokes and is even a little sarcastic. A good example of her sarcasm is that she named her goldfish one and two. I figured she would go for nemo and dory or maybe elmo and zoey, nope, one and two. There are a million things I could brag about and that I want to brag about but there is a part of me that feels that it is wrong. I don't want to be the parent that never shuts up about their kids' accomplishments. Ansley's beauty and intelligence are there for all to see, she doesn't need me to point it out. Joey is turning out to be the same way, in my eyes he is an adorable smart little man. Already crawling and saying dada and nomna... I guess that is going to be what he calls me. There I go again bragging. I like to think I have had something to do with their abilities and intelligence, that by me staying home it has given them an advantage somehow. The rewards for staying home are so immeasurable. Too many to list. Every smile and coo make my heart melt. Just when you think you cannot love them any more, you do. I complain a lot about staying home and needing a break, that is definitely a fact. What I can do to change this I have not figured out yet. Tonight has been good, even though as I type Joey is laying on me and Ansley is up past 2 in the morning watching spongebob. I do need time to step back and realize all the joys and blessings I have right under my nose. Getting out makes me a better wife and mother I believe. Now if you had talked to me earlier this afternoon I doubt you would believe it is me writing this. My negativity is killing me. I am guessing, but I think the only cure for something negative is something positive. I have 3 very positive things in my life although the majority of the time I will only say 2. I think that one is easy to figure out.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Boredom and guilt continued...
There was not one thing positive in my last entry. That is my new goal, to be at least a little more positive. Joey crawled for the first time this past Friday. Definitely a mile marker in a baby's fragile life. My little piggy can actually get from one side of the room to the other now. Ansley does make me smile every time I look at her. She is so smart it scares me sometimes. I love the way she is talking right now, instead of "I" it is "my". She has a vocabulary not fit for a sailor, much less a 2 year old. "Bassards ate my shrimp" she was referring to her goldfish eating her shrimp. I know it is wrong but her saying it was so cute. My babies are growing up. There are a million things that I am happy with, and only a few that I can truly say that I am not. Time is the issue I need to work on most. Maybe if I get the time thing straightened out everything else will fall into place. My house is slowly but surely becoming what you would call a home. It has taken almost 4 years for me to start putting pictures and other things on the walls. My 5th anniversary is coming up and I am excited about it. We have actually made it 5 years. That's a lot more than I can say for my first marriage. I do have to thank god for that though, everything happens for a reason and I know now this is why I had to go through that... Practice for the real thing. Oh well, its late, I need to go to bed. Tomorrow WILL be better.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Boredom and guilt
Okay, this weekend was a bad one. In some ways I guess it was okay. I do love being with my family and taking care of them I just cannot help wanting to get away. This feeling is killing me. Guilt is worse than the plague I imagine. I long for the days I could sleep until 12, even the days I had to get up at 5 or 6 for a meeting at 7. Work outside the home was definitely taken for granted. Hell, anything outside the home was taken for granted. Claustrophobia is setting in bigtime. The car situation is not helping matters any. A working car would be nice. At least then I could get out of the house without having to guilt someone into letting me borrow theirs. I just read what I have typed and I feel like the most ungrateful person in the world. God blessed me with a wonderful family and life and here I am complaining about them. There is nothing in the world I would trade for what I have. A day completely to myself here and there would be quite nice though. Again this is horrible, this whole thing is I, I, I and me, me, me. What do I do about it? Love should be enough to get me through this, but as much as ansley and joey smile at me, the more guilty I feel. It is a vicious cycle, the guiltier I feel, the more withdrawn, unhappy and bored I become. This has got to stop, something needs to change and I need to change it fast.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Ansley has been crying for the last thirty minutes. Why? Candy. Try as I might, I just cannot be a good parent and tell her no. The screaming has gotten worse and I just can't hold out. I ask her where the candy is that she wants and she goes right to my purse. Of course there is candy in there, every time I go to the store I buy her something little and then forget about it. At least this time it is supposed to be "good" candy. It is the little spray candy thing labeled "smartchoice".....Right. Juice concentrate in a tiny brightly colored spray bottle. Genius. I bet the guy is a millionaire. She keeps interrupting me saying "please help, My needs more". I have shown her 10 times how to spray, I guess she just does not have the finger strength. "my can't mommy" I wonder what in the world would I do without candy?
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Okay, the question I dread most... What do you want to eat? I would rather have my teeth pulled than have to make a decision for us all on what to eat. I say krystals or checkers. Well, don't you want something a little better? Like what? Oh I don't know.... You don't like Chinese. I will eat Chinese just go and get it. 20 minutes later... Do you want egg drop or won ton? No, just the sweet and sour chicken please. Like 20 minutes ago.
It is only fitting that my first line is professing a confession. Gosh that was a mouthfull. Well, I must confess that I just read some of my friend's "blog" and it inspired me to start my own. My only hindrance is time. The one thing I lack most in life. I am a stay at home mom with a toddler and a baby. My wonderful husband works full time and goes to school part time to provide for us. He does help me a lot more than the average husband and father. I love my family so much it hurts sometimes. I just put my son to bed and it is after one in the morning. I am not the textbook mother who cheerfully awakens to the baby crying and I do not relish late nights when they just refuse to sleep. It made my heart swell to rock him and feel how soft his cheek was against mine. Little things like that make it all worth waking up 4 times in one night.... I think. I should be sleeping, the thing I crave most, but I am here typing away, I guess getting some frustrations out. I do miss adult conversation and perhaps that is why I started this. My husband can only bear so much of me. Life as a stay at home mom is a lot harder than it seems. There are stresses that only other stay at home moms can understand. Like needing a break. I think a working mom can only understand to a certain point, the desire, the need to just get away from kids is so overwhelming it consumes you. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade anything in the world for what I have been blessed with, it just gets a bit tedious. For the most part my days are easy and rewarding. I am lucky enough to witness the kids' "firsts". I get to see Ansley run up to her daddy squealing with joy when he pulls up from work. I just need to fit in some "me" time somewhere in my overloaded day. One day, right?