Rocking my babies...

I complain a lot about being home all the time with the kids. A day like today makes me happy and appreciative that I am able to be here. I was rocking Joey this morning and Ansley comes up and climbs in my lap too. It was a tight squeeze, but I cannot tell you how good it felt to hold both of them, neither one crying, their arms wrapped around me. Ansley looked up at me and smiled and said "my love you". I wanted to cry. Just when you think you cannot possibly love them anymore, you do.

Accomplishment...It really does feel good!

Okay guys, its 3:15 in the morning, the kids have been asleep since 12:3o, pray for me that they keep doing that :) And I am now done cleaning my living room. I mean down and dirty cleaning. My living room is basically the playground. I cleaned each and every toy. Even the little crap Mcdonalds toys Babykins won't let me throw away. Those of you with kids know exactly what I am talking about. Wow, does this feel good. I just keep looking around in awe.
I know you guys are thinking, was it really that bad? Well, yeah, it was. The past 2 months have been hell with the sleeping issue and then all the sickness and then the family problems, so I put cleaning on the back burner. Something had to be put there to keep my sanity. Next project, the kitchen. That shouldn't be too bad. I just cleaned out the cabinets a few weeks ago. Well, this is goodnight this time and I mean it.

I need new stuff

I think the title says it all.

While cleaning my livingroom today, take a deep breath, yes, I cleaned, I realized I need a new couch. My couch smells. With 2 kids and 3 dogs who really like the couch, it tends to stay dirty no matter what I do to it. I try to keep a slipcover on it all the time, but of course it is not waterproof. Thats what I need, A waterproof couch.

While making the decision to buy a couch, I decided we need to get off our butts and finally get flooring. Let me explain....Pre-babies, Mike and I were watching trading spaces one Saturday, we get the bright idea that, hey, we can do this too. I am referring to ripping up the carpet and painting the concrete. Our carpet was in pretty bad shape. We thought painting the concrete was a good idea. Why we thought that, I have no clue. Well, we half finished the living room and hallway, did not do the dining room at all and never ripped up the linoleum in the kitchen. Then I got pregnant. Of course, we were using oil based paint for the floors and we were too nervous to try finishing with the fumes and all. So, It got postponed till after the pregnancy. I miscarried and we were going to finish when I felt better, then I got pregnant again that very next month. So, 2 kids later, our floors still look the same. I do have giant rugs, but you can still see the concrete. I absolutely refuse to get carpet again. We have thought of several flooring options, cork, wood, and linoleum. Very expensive down to borderline cheap.

Our tax return should be coming in soon, so like all poor people in America, we are going to spend it when we get it. I really do want to put some back in savings for an emergency, but I need an account we can't touch. Thought about a CD but the penalties for early withdrawal are so steep I cannot see doing that just because if I did my transmission would die and I would need the money.

I started listing crap on eBay. I have an overabundance of baby stuff and this is after donating and giving numerous bags away. I sold 3 pair of shoes Ansley outgrew before she ever wore them. It breaks my heart to do it, but I am going to sell her pageant stuff too. Daddy said no more pageants. Too much money and he doesn't want her to grow up thinking being pretty is everything. I really don't want her to think that either, I just want to show her off. She has such a big personality for a little person. Joey has outgrown all of the clothes we received at the shower, guess I will sell those too. Mom was making fun of me telling Mike to hide his stuff that I might sell it. I am afflicted with tunnel vision. I get an idea then run it into the ground. My dad calls this the bull in a chinashop syndrome. All the women in my family have this gift.

Babykins and Fatboy need spring clothes. Girl clothes, no problem. Boy clothes, they suck. I hate shopping for Joey. Not for any reason other than boy clothes just are not fun. They all look the same and most have something to do with sports. I want cool little clothes, well, maybe not so little, he is already in 12 months. I have fallen in love with the Ralph Lauren plaid shirtalls. Too bad I refuse to spend 40 bucks a pop. Enough rambling for tonight, I am sure I will bore you again tomorrow.

My Husband

I got up this morning, both kids were still asleep. I guess going to bed at 5 in the morning will do that to them. Got on the computer, checked email, printed my eBay crap to take to the post office, and Mike comes home. I got off of the computer to talk to him and he mentions that he has actually read some of my blog and I make him seem like a piece of shit. I sent him the link when I first started writing this, he just never bothered to read it. He finally starts reading it right after I post entries of being pissed off at him. I do try to give him the credit he deserves, I guess I just do not get my point across. He is a good husband despite all my bitching. I wanted him to start reading this right after I started it because maybe then he might possibly understand me a little better. That and you can't yell at each other on the computer. I guess I could type in boldface caps but that just looks silly. I really believe I have reduced the amount I bitch at him in person and do it on here instead. I think it may be working though. We have not been arguing as much. The last 6 months have been heaven and hell all at the same time. My hormones are still out of whack, but I am getting closer to some semblance of normalcy I think. This blog is my outlet since I cannot really discuss these things with my kids and I don't want to add to Mike's already huge list of things to do. I do hope he reads this and takes some of my entries as constructive criticism (yeah right!) and he is able to actually get my point since I suck at putting my thoughts and feelings into words. What would be helpful, is if he started a blog and I could read his daily thoughts. Hint Hint. I have realized just from reading my friends blogs, that you really don't know them as well as you thought you did. I want to think that I am a good wife, but in all honesty, I know otherwise. So Mike, hunnybunny, help me out here. Start your own blog and hell, we may never fight again. I can see it now, we get pissed off at each other then you see us at our computers both typing like mad. He is such a nerd and I am such a wannabe nerd. Lets see if I get any comments...

The Cool Mom...

... That's what I aspire to be. The last few years have definitely been life changing for me. Way back in the day, I was, dare I say it? Cool. I was pretty, thin and stylish. Didn't have the job of my dreams, but it made me feel good about myself. In construction, being female was not an advantage, I had to earn the respect of well, just about everyone. Now, I know I have the respect and adoration of my kids, that will forever be better and definitely more important to me. But getting back on topic here, I am going to visit my sister in Ashville, NC, this weekend. I feel so uncool, out of touch, and certainly not stylish. The reason I bring this up, is that my sister is the cool one now. A vegetarian massage therapist in an exclusive salon. Not, that this is what I want, but I want the image. She looks trendy and pretty. Being almost 6 feet tall and blonde has something to do with this I imagine. Those are 2 things I will never be. I have lost the baby weight, but 2 kids in 2 years wrecks your body. I think I could do a gazillion leg lifts and crunches and still never have a flat tummy again. Only a gifted plastic surgeon could accomplish that feat. My babies are worth it though. My sis tells me I look and dress like a mom now. I asked her what that was supposed to mean.... "You just look like a mom". I used to wear makeup and have my hair cut and highlighted every other month. Time and money have cut those out. Used to wear heels every day. Now its the comfy borns. Okay, put it this way, Mike saw a pic of me a couple years before we met and asked me if that was one of my sisters friends. What a slap in the face. I know I am going to get up there with Jen and her friends and feel like such a tard. My conservative mommy clothes and shoes are going to stand out amongst the sea of designer clothes and funky jewelry. I keep telling myself that my kids would be embarrassed if I attempted to be cool. As I sit on the floor with Ansley and Joey, pigtails in my hair, jeans and the typical formula stained shoulders on my t-shirt, I know it is right. Ansley tells me so. They love me just the way I am. Now I need to learn from them.

How safe are my babies?

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/23/magazine/23PEDO.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&en=62951849f64f2e58&ex=1109048400

If you have the time, read the article above. I worry endlessly about my kids, reading this just gave me that much more to worry about. Usually I take compliments about my kids in stride, now, when some man makes a comment on how pretty Ansley is, it makes my stomach turn. Could be completely harmless, but I don't know that. I know Joey is going to be a handsome little man, and again, I know there are vicious people out there that will think the same thing, only in an improper manner. My question is, how do you protect your babies? I have never let them stay with a stranger, the few people they have stayed with would never in the world harm a child, but I know there are kids out there whose parents are just as cautious as I am and they are traumatized by these monsters. I find it very hard to be sympathetic towards the monsters' and their "battle" with their urges. I am already dreading the day my kids go to school. I tried to put Ansley in a mothers day out program, but, I just couldn't handle leaving her there. It was a very respected preschool that came highly recommended, and the director and teachers were very understanding. I stood out in the hall out of Ansley's view for 30 minutes every time I dropped her off. Bear in mind, this was only for 4 hours a day, 2 days a week. I stopped in multiple times during this the 4 hour period to peek in on her. Wasn't doing either one of us a bit of good. That is also when the night terrors started. I tried to stick it out for a month, but ended up yanking her out. Again, I question what happened or what scared her while I was not there to cause the night terrors. Could be just the fact that I left her, but what if? We are still dealing with the night terrors, and we see a pediatric neurologist next month. We have the option of going the psychiatric route, but what is a child that just turned 2 going to tell them? Anyways, I am definitely more paranoid than is necessary, but I would love to see these people punished severely the first time and not let out to do it again.

Sleep, Please!!!

Last night was not exactly a good night. We managed to get Joey and Ansley asleep before 11:30. That part was good. I think that was the first time in forever that we had them both asleep before we were. For the first time in a month, yes, that's right, a month, I got some. We were discussing our sex life, or lack thereof, when Ansley started screaming. She screamed for 45 minutes. I mean the shrieking type screams. Finally got her calmed down and she wanted to go on the couch. After that episode, I am not going to do anything to make her cry again, so we park our butts on the couch. She has another fit and this time wakes up Joey. Now I have 2 crying kids on my lap and spongebob on TV and it is 3 in the morning. Bear in mind that the night before, I did not go to bed till 4:30, not by choice of course. It is 3:40 in the morning and Ansley is still up. At least Mike is up with us tonight. But back to what I was saying, I did not get to sleep again till almost 5. Joey stayed up for 2 hours and this is so not like him. I really think no sleep is starting to get to me. I feel like shit all the time. I am only 27 and I feel like I look 37. Huge bags and dark circles under my eyes. I have a constant headache. I am really bitchy tonight, sorry. Mike evidently thinks I am just retarded. He gets an assload more sleep than I do and then wants to bitch about my parenting methods? Just a thought, but gee, who is with the kids 24/7? Oh yeah, me, the stay at home mom with no job. I wouldn't know anything about how to take care of my kids. Hell, I only had 2 of them. What do I know? On a lighter note, I did get out of the house tonight. Went to the boll weevil for dessert and coffee with my friend Dottie. I really enjoyed myself and it is nice to have someone understand you. Would have enjoyed myself a lot more with a few glasses of wine, but, I was driving. I was nice and brought mike a piece of peanut butter pie, know what his response was? How much did this cost? Like 10 bucks? I wanted to call him all kinds of explicit names, like ungrateful bastard. He did say thank you though. I need a drink and some sleep. Desperately. There is a nice bottle of vodka in the fridge with my name all over it. I saw on some website, can't remember which one, a onesie that said "my mommy drinks because I cry". How appropriate. I sound like a brazen alcoholic, but truth is, alcohol is a lot like sex, very scarce these days. Guess there really was no need to have my tubes tied after all....

Horrible Housewife of the year....

And the award goes to..... ME!

Let me just say I suck at being a housewife. I was cleaning out my refrigerator tonight, yes the one that is half working, and I am totally amazed we are all still alive and not suffering from some new unidentifiable strand of bacteria or virus. HA HA, I know you are all thinking, wasn't she just bitching about a virus? I think Eric said it best when he said my bedroom was like a toxic waste dump, this was back when I was 16, but my attitude towards cleaning has not changed much. My kids and I are totally clean, as far as our bodies and clothes we wear. My house, put it this way, I don't like surprise company. My goal is to learn to keep my house clean. Mike knew when he met me how messy I was, still he wanted us to move in together, cleaning habits did not change. We decide to get married and buy our first house, still no changes. We now have 3 dogs, 2 kids and one hell of a mess. I really do not enjoy the mess. My thoughts now are that my 2 year old is learning bad bad habits from me. When I was little, most girls dreamed of houses and babies, my dream as far as I can remember was to one day pay someone to do my cleaning. Imagine something you hate, I am talking really really despise, multiply that by 10 and you may have an inkling as to how much I dislike cleaning. I love having a clean house and clean towels and even clean dishes, I just have the hardest time getting them clean. I have taken advice from everyone, even attempted the flylady's routine, which I think is bullshit, no normal person cleans that much. I talked myself into writing down my goals for the day, I had 3 things today and managed to cross off 2 1/2. Not a bad start. Should you feel inclined to give advice, I will listen. I need all the encouragement I can get.

Daddy Blogs

Is it just me or are there just as many daddy blogs as mommy blogs? It does please me to see so many men enjoying parenting. The male perspective is nice. My husband is not the "discuss my feelings on a daily basis" type, and I am guessing by the influx of mommy readers on the daddy blogs that most of their husbands aren't either. It is quite comical to see all these mommies, myself included, tripping over themselves in a mad dash to read and comment on every daddy blog out there. The men have done it again. Knowingly or unknowingly, they have captured the attention and adoration of all these mommies. My husband is an awesome father, we just haven't found our groove as a couple with children. We will get there one day. Until then, I will keep reading the blogs and being envious of the women whose husbands make time for the kids and the wife.

The Dentist- continued

YAY! We made it. What I thought was going to be a traumatic event (for both of us), turned out to be quite nice. I cannot say enough good things about this dentist and his staff and office. Ansley truly amazed me. I have a good child, yes, I am going to brag. Did the dental x-rays perfectly, got her sticker. Made me proud. The office was really something, I was expecting your typical cheesy kid deco but was pleasantly surprised. It was a cool Alaskan theme. For the locals, the website is www.drleebaker.com. I highly recommend him. As for the rest of my day. I really don't know if I can get into the details without wanting to burn my house down. Now that I have typed that, you know something bad is gonna happen. My refrigerator is broken. I am telling you, you don't realize how much you need that thing till its gone. What really pisses me off though is that I lost all my food. Things could be a lot worse but that was a couple hundred down the drain or I guess I should say in the trash. Now, the test, I have to see if the damn thing is going to decide to work again. I have it totally defrosted and emptied, lets hope it works when I plug it back in. If not, I have no idea how or where I am going to get a new one. My spending has really bitten me on the ass this time. The sears card is maxed. I really do not have anything to show for it either. Oh well.

Resident Stylist

Going to school for something, such as a trade, automatically entitles your family to your services for life. Or at least that is my opinion. For free at that. I went to cosmetology school when I was 16. While apprenticing, I decided hair was not for me. I love it as a hobby but not as a job. I ought to mention that I also like to do it when I like to do it, not when people need me to. Probably why I would never have made a living with it. This topic arose because I had to cut my dear husband's hair yet again. I have cut his hair ever since I met him 6 years ago. My husband does not have ordinary hair. He has enough for about 5 men. Thank god most of it is on his head. I couldn't handle waxing anything besides his eyebrows. Yes, I wax his eyebrows. The average man does not have 2 inches cut off every month. If he were to let his hair grow to sell, we would be rich. It is a very tedious and time consuming task to cut off then clean up all this hair. Why does he not get it cut somewhere else? Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? He has a resident stylist sleeping right in his bed. My children will more than likely never see the inside of a salon until they are adults. I have my reasons for this, no one is skilled enough to cut my kids hair. Fat boy obviously has hair like his dad. 5 months old and already 5 haircuts. Ansley has long hair but not from lack of cutting, rather I never let her have the baby mullet that most baby girls have. Moms have an insane need to cut bangs into their daughter's hair. Resist!!! Please don't make your daughter suffer! I see some of the most beautiful children with the worst haircuts and it makes me cringe. Have to remind myself that it is only my opinion and not everyone is trained to do hair. Please don't get me wrong, I am not perfect with hair or anything else for that matter, but I do find it easy. My dad feels as if I owe him free haircuts for the rest of his life because he financed my cosmetology education. I suppose that is almost fair. My mom relies on me for all the special events. My sister backed off after I turned her hair baby blue. On accident of course. With all these free hair cuts going around and all the money that is saved, you would think I could afford to get my hair done. 45 a pop is what it takes for my hair cuts. Which, if you average out the last 2 years in haircuts for me, I have spent all of 100 bucks, including tip. Now you know you shell out at least that a year on your hair. That's not much at all, and I do save money. So why do I feel guilty for wanting my hair done? One day I will get over it.

loser

The Mexican Mishap

Okay guys, I am going to use some colorful language. In more ways than one. I have had quite a night, yet I remain in high spirits. That could be the alcohol I am about to consume talking... It is 11:30 on a Friday night and I am rocking my dear little fat boy to sleep, Mike has Ansley in the tub and the beer in the freezer. Things are good. Right now anyways. 5 minutes ago, now that's a different story. Let me back up a bit. I wrote about the virus thing a few days ago, well, I guess Ansley was not quite over it. We decided to go for mexican tonight, Ansley wanted cheese dip. We get there, get seated, get the chips and salsa and we are loving it. Order our food and it comes out 5 mins later (by some miracle). While we are enjoying our yummy food, ansley says her tummy hurts and not 2 seconds later is hurling all over mike and the seat. I proceed in a hurried manner to the ladies room, pukey kid in tow. Park her over the toilet and tell her not to touch anything (germs, you know), grab a thousand paper towels and attempt to clean her up. In the meantime mike gets the check and tries to pack our food up since we got all of 3 bites. In the parking lot, Mike proceeds to strip down to his underwear, bear in mind that it is not only cold but public indecency should there have been a cop around. On the road Ansley wants to know where her shrimp are, me being the softie that I am, know better, but give them to her anyway. Mike informs me she is mine if she pukes again. Well, you know what happens next. Lucky me, I am holding Joey while he is filling his diaper in a rather loud bubbling noise, so Mike gets the puke again. In all this rambling, I have neglected to get my thoughts across clearly. As a parent, you become amazed at what you are able to tolerate. Never in a million years would I have thought I could finish my dinner after all that.... Puke and poop are suddenly commonplace things that you don't bat an eyelash at, yeah, they are gross, but you have to live with it. Parents are a strange, resilient breed.....

Baffled

How do you find the happy place in your marriage when you are a parent with 2 hours of sleep? Try as I might, I cannot seem to get over this lack of sleep thing. I do realize that Mike has a very hard time with working and going to school. I just wish someone, namely him, would recognize that being home with 2 babies and no sleep is just as hard. He wakes up this morning saying "I'm tired". I know I am wrong, but I feel this is totally unjustified. I feel this way because it was I, who stayed up till after 5 this morning with Ansley. Joey wakes up at 7 and he wants to complain? I got his coffee ready and clothes ready last night to make things easier on him this morning and yet he still bitches. Wants to know where his notes are, how the hell would I know, I did not work on them last night. Ansley apparently got to them, but like I pointed out to him, I cannot watch her every second, especially while I am doing dishes and laundry. He probably should have put them in a place higher than Ansley can reach, but I guess that is just the common sense talking. I want so badly to be a good mother and wife yet it gets harder by the day to do both. I know there are people out there that will probably read this and comment that I am taking my situation for granted and I should feel lucky and appreciative that I get to stay home. To this I will go ahead and reply to save myself some time. I do appreciate that I get to stay home with my kids. I do appreciate that I have a home to call my own. I am lucky enough to have things that some people do not. I also have a child with a sleep disorder, and an early riser baby. Imagine your life as up all night, busy now, not just piddling around watching TV or playing on the net, then you get 2 hours of sleep, not even a good 2 hours because your kid puked on you right before you fell asleep, waking up to a bitching husband and a hungry child. The hungry child is easy to deal with, the husband on the other hand... Someone please tell me this is normal and that I am not a psychochotic hormonal wreck.

The virus

Okay, I thought I was dying yesterday. It was probably just a stomach virus but talk about miserable. Ansley and I both woke up yakking. It got so bad that I had to call mom to get Joey and then call mike to help me with ansley. I can almost go so far as to say that this was one day was worse than both my pregnancies combined. All I want to do today is put a thick coat of lysol on anything and everything. I feel as if someone has beat me. I at least can express my thoughts about how I feel, there is no telling how poor Ansley is feeling. Anyways, we can hope for a better day today. And a future apology about writing this.

69...

The Sugar Dish

Okay, I forgot until a few minutes ago that I wanted to write about this. 2 in the morning and I am washing socks and boxers so the dear husband does not stink going to work and school. I was washing out the coffee pot (like a good little wife) so Mike will have coffee in the morning when I spotted the sugar dish. This is no ordinary sugar dish, at least to me its not. I have wanted for years to have a nice, expensive, COMPLETE set of dishes. My mom bought me this about 2 years ago for Christmas. This was back when they had money so she could blow a few hundred on dishes and not think twice. Well, all I have left of my wonderful dishes are a serving bowl, 2 plates, a half dozen saucers, 1 bowl and 2 soup bowls. My precious sugar and creamer dishes were high up on the 3rd shelf in the cabinets hidden away in the back. Mike decides he needs to drink coffee every morning so he needs the sugar dish out. I argued and told him no that he would break it. Lo and behold, he came home this afternoon and said, I have something to tell you.... you didn't notice the sugar dish? Of course, my poor brain being run ragged by the kids, I don't notice much of anything anymore. I said nope, but I am guessing you broke it. Who would have guessed?

Chef Lori?

I was put in my place tonight. By my 2 year old. What I thought was a halfway decent dinner, steak fingers, cut green beans and french fries, was apparently not up to her standards. I noticed she was not eating and I asked her what was wrong. You know, got to communicate with the little people. She calmly informed me that dinner sucks. Mike and I just looked at each other and I asked if she said what I thought she did. He said yep, dinner sucks. So now it is 11 at night and lying in bed she says her tummy is growling. Where she got that I have no clue. Mike is sitting on the couch feeding her dumplings.... She is going to turn into a dumpling. For a small child, she does have a good appetite and for the most part is not too picky. She loves sushi and shrimp, hates avocado. So my frozen food night bombed. Oh well. Fat boy is starting to eat real food too. Wonder if my kids are normal. Not many kids would rather have shrimp over McDonald's.

My weekend...

My weekend was good. Tiring, but good. We managed to get both kids to sleep at once (a miracle) and have a few decent minutes together. Mike and Ansley had a good afternoon at the park. Joey and I went to have pics made and visit with friends. I made my rounds with the kids to all the superbowl parties. Had to show off their Patriots outfits. Which, I am going to brag again, were awfully cute. That is thanks to their Uncle Chris, he keeps them outfitted in the new england area sports attire. My sister finally came to visit and we watched Napoleon Dynamite. Too Funny. I think my favorite line was the skim milk. Ansley watched it with us and I am afraid she took a liking to his dance routine. Scary. Joey is babbling so much now and I swear he said I need milk. I could be crazy though. Decided to try a new approach at parenting and wifing, I think I am ready to be nice now. Maybe think things through before I fly off the handle and want to kill the husband. I would never do that with the kids, Mike can defend himself :) There are a billion things I need to do, like find and give away all the maternity clothes, I am after all not going to need them anymore. Unless god decides to surprise me. Need to remove all my Christmas decorations from my front porch, we look like the scum of the neighborhood. At least we are nice. Donate would be a good word for the thousands of toys I have throughout my house and livingroom or should I say playground. I have been talking to Ansley and telling her she needs to think about what she would like to donate. That is not an easy thing to explain to a 2 year old. I think she gets it though. We will see when I load the car down and we have a little fit, she may surprise me though. I hope she does. My sister was looking on eBay for WP tickets and calmly informed that for 2 it was like 900 dollars. I told her she was insane. Thank god she did not have the money to buy them, I would have had to smack her. Wow, I sound really violent and that is probably the most opposite you can get with me. Time for bed. See you tomorrow.

My Babies

Peace

I feel a strange sense of peace right now. Ansley and I were laying in bed taking a nap this afternoon and I forgot to turn Joey's monitor off (Mike had him). Mike put him into the crib and he started crying and it woke us up and Anley looked at me and said "It's okay mommy" and she patted my head and kissed my cheek. She fell right back asleep but I could not. I just lay there staring at her and wishing that she would never grow up. I hope I never forget that moment. Fat boy is asleep on my chest right now and he giggled in his sleep. I have never seen a baby do that before. They are indeed interesting little people. A lot of family members kept commenting on how big Joey is, which I guess he really is. An aunt got onto me about calling him fat boy. I explained that it is most definitely an affectionate little name. He is about the same size as Ansley. A couple inches shorter and a couple pounds lighter but almost 2 years apart. There was something I meant to publish yesterday but never had the chance. I had Ansley in the little waiting area of the rest rooms at the funeral home while I fed Joey. A man came in a went into the bathroom and shut the door, came back out a minute later and Ansley says in a really loud voice that "him had to pee pee", "did he poopy?" I wanted to crawl under the table and laugh but instead I had to tell her that yes, he did have to go potty but we do not talk about other people going to potty. Speaking of the potty. I think she has it backwards. I had hoped she would be potty trained by now, I am letting her go at her own pace though. She goes to potty every night around midnight and wakes up with a dry diaper, I know that is a good sign, I just cannot get her to keep her panties dry during the day. Any tips on the potty thing are appreciated. Joey is asleep now, be back soon.

Time

My opinions on my uncles life have generated so much negativity it is unreal. No one knew my uncle the way I did, maybe my mother. There are things that he wanted, like a family of his own, that he did not get. I do have what I want. I do know how much my kids love me and need me. I am not a writer by any stretch of the imagination. Nor do I claim to be. I started this blog with the intentions of getting a little weight off my chest. It does help. Just guessing, but I have read my entire blog, which by the way took about 30 seconds :) but I do not feel that I am that negative towards my kids. They mean the world to me and I let them know it. What I am complaining about and no one seems to get my point, is my lack of time for me. I am not talking about long stretches of time. I am talking about 2 minutes to go pee by myself, or maybe if I am lucky, a little time shopping alone. I have devoted my entire life to their happiness and well being. Yes, it was my choice and I would never change it. I could go back to work if I wanted and that would get me the time to myself, but, I do not want or need that much time and I do not believe it would be fair to the kids. I ask everyone that is reading this, how would you feel if you did not have 5 minutes a day to yourself? For whatever reason, be it kids, work, anything. I do not resent my kids or my husband for any reason. The lack of time is solely my responsibility and I am on my way to figuring out how to deal with it and keep everyone happy. Including myself. For those of you thinking I talk about my kids in such a negative way. Please go back and read everything and try to see it differently. I must not be able to convey my love or how proud I am through writing. If you were to see or know my kids. You would be able to tell just by looking at them how happy and loved they are.
And yes, I would let them read this.

Today

Today has been very hard. My mom had to have emergency surgery. My uncle's funeral was this morning. Things are beginning to take their toll on me. I sat holding Ansley tonight and just prayed that everyone would be okay. I look at Ansley and Joey and I know that it will be. They are my future. I complain a lot, I have my reasons. My children and my husband are the most wonderful things in my life without a doubt. My life has changed so drastically in the last few years my head is still spinning. For all my complaints, I would never change a thing about my family. Ask anyone who has 2 kids, aged 2 and under, and they will tell you life is hard. Of course not if you have a nanny, but I believe my kids deserve every bit of my time I can give. As do most parents. That leaves almost nothing for me, hence, the complaints. I like to think that I have something that these people who keep commenting on my blog do not... Compassion. I loved my uncle very much and understood that he did not have everything he wanted out of life. I understand not everyone is going to share my opinions. That much is obvious. However, I would have enough tact to give them a little time to heal before I bombarded them with my opinions. I would not be so immature as to call names either. Enough about that crap. That's exactly what it is. On a lighter note, Joey had his first bite of moonpie today. I do not like to brag but I have to. He looked like such a little man in his suit. Ansley looked like my little doll of course. It was a little eerie, I felt as if they knew what was going on today and they were so quiet and good. The evangelist had a pretty long sermon and neither cried or even squirmed. That is quite an accomplishment for kids so young. The hour and a half ride was no picnic though. Pick your battles right?