Missing Mona

I don't really know how to put my feelings into words right now. My heart hurts and I feel like I am not even worthy of these feelings. We had to put our dog, Mona, to sleep today. It was something we had been putting off for a long time.

Mona came to live with us almost 6 years ago. I went to walmart with my mom one Saturday morning and there happened to be a little girl with a puppy in a box sitting in the parking lot on the way to my car. The puppy had a big pink bow tied around her neck and she looked beautiful. I had no intentions of doing anything but stopping to pet her and the little girls mom told me they were about to take her to the pound. I could not knowingly let that happen.

At this time we had just bought our house and just installed the doggy door for the poodles, so it was tiny, just like the new addition. We decided to name her Mona, I just liked the name and her eyes looked wiser than her years so the name fit. She was too young to have been taken away from her mother so we had to blend up puppy food for her, she did not even really have teeth yet. She was so small she fit into the palm of my hand. The vet told us she would grow into a large dog, I don't think we believed him. She did though. I think at her heaviest she was around 60 pounds.

Mona believed she was small, just like Junior and Trixie. It was quite comical to watch her jump into Mike's lap and want to cuddle. Mike taught her to give hugs, to hold a beer bottle, all the things man's best friend does. She was supposed to be my baby but turned out to be Mike's. She captured his heart as soon as he saw her. He had a special bond with her. She was amazing with the kids, they climbed on her, gave her kisses, and she loved it all.

It broke my heart even more to watch him sitting on the floor in the vet's office just holding her and crying. We both held her while they gave her the shot and neither one of us could barely drive home. She has not even been gone a day and already I miss her.

I was doing laundry last night and I came across her sweater. It hurt so much just to see it, now comes the question, do I keep it? Nothing of hers will ever bring her back and no words will ever describe what kind of dog she was, my writing does little to truly describe her and what she was to this family. I hope she knows how much she was loved and forgives me for having to make the decision I did.

School picture time!

I cannot believe my baby has had her first school pictures!

5 AM

It is fucking 5 AM in the morning. And I am up. Why you ask? My precious little snot Joey was ready to get out of bed. He is happily sucking on a milk bottle and watching family guy. I know, I know. Not exactly the ideal kids show. But you know what? It keeps them quiet! I even think my daughter has a crush on stewie... Always wants to watch the "stewie with janet" episode.

You know what time I went to sleep? Around 2 ish. God, you know I am tired if I start using the ish thing. This reminds me of why I started this blog. Ansley had night terrors pretty bad, No, not from watching family guy. She also had a severe dislike for sleeping. Actually still does. But being up all night with no one to talk to except toddlers who really just want an excuse to watch TV led to this.

Oh! Big news, I stopped taking my antidepressant! Watch out, the hubby thinks I am mean as hell without it. I just think he forgot who he married, that's all. I think I have always been abnormally sarcastic.

Had a weird experience the other night. We were at wally world, doing the grocery shopping, when of course, my kid has to go potty. She is obsessed with public potties, totally unlike her mother. While I was leaning over, strapping her back into the stroller, mike says to our friend who always goes to walmart with us "dude! Quit looking down my wife's shirt! What the hell is wrong with you?" This guy is a good friend of ours, and happens to be a virgin. Which I guess is why he felt the need to look at mommy boobies. Still, I feel really gross and in a way violated. Am I weird? Discussed this with my parents, and my father informs me that all men look when it is available. Not to hold it against him. I am finding this to be a difficult situation. Oh well, I am getting tired of balancing a toddler on my arms while typing....

NO more steroids!!!!!

Things have been wild. I mean ridiculously wild with me lately. Dumbass me forgot to pay the gas bill and they cut my gas off. Oh, and it takes 3-4 business days to have your service restored. Not to mention the fucking 200.00 they want in addition to the 154.00 I owed them, to turn it back on. So, we have been staying at my parents house, don't want the kids to freeze you know. It is time for me to go back home. I miss my house.

Ansley has been on prednisone for a week now and it is killing me. It is making her into a mean little shit. She is hitting and kicking and biting. Not that my kid is an angel or anything but this above and beyond her normal level of mean. We made it to the asthma and allergy specialist, and of course, Ansley has asthma. Which is why she was on the prednisone. She now has to take 2 different meds daily but I have seen a huge difference already. Maybe this will mean no hospital stays this winter. I can hope.

Where oh where have I been...

Wish I could answer that. Things are crazy, like usual. I have come to the realization that I am a chronic whiner. With good reason. I rarely get a break from my mommyitis infected kids. Staying home is starting to get to me. Since I had Joeyman I feel like I have not been myself. At this point I feel like all the pills in the world would not help. It is really not the kids, I think it is me. Being the hypochondriac I am, I looked up the symptoms I am having and it feels like it could be one of two things. Postpartum depression or hypothyroidism. I suppose it could be both. But, I guess I should leave the diagnosis to the doctors. Whom I would visit if I had health insurance or the money to pay for a visit. That is another post altogether.

I asked my husband for a little time to write as this is my time to vent, and the kids keep crawling all over me, hitting the keys on the laptop and I just want to hit him. Not the kids, him. I know this is wrong. He really is a good husband, I know he has a lot of pressure this semester and working on top of that is taking its toll on him. And our relationship.

It takes a lot of effort to make a marriage work. Being a stay at home mom, I am not contributing to our income, nor am I advancing my education. Which is eating me alive. I am doing something that makes all my craziness worthwhile. I am there for my children.

My inadequacies as a mother smother me. I try to be everything to them. With me not being happy, I feel like I am not being all I can for them. They did not ask to be brought into this world so it is my responsibility to make it worthwhile for them. I wish I knew just how to get across to everyone, including my husband, what my life is like. What I feel. The things I want to change. My kids are smart and beautiful and they really do brighten my day. I just want a little time away. That is the part no one understands. I am told that everyone has to deal with this. Mike and I butt heads on this issue constantly. He is away a lot with school and work, and a large part of his time spent at home is doing schoolwork. I know this is to benefit us as a family. It still doesn't ease my stress. I try to get him to understand that he does get away from his job and school. I never get away from mine. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a huge vacation or anything, just some regularly scheduled me time. I know he does not get that much, but he does get away from me and the kids sometimes more than 12 hours a day. Am I wrong?

Back to the inadequacies, I am a horrible housekeeper. I mean bad. I try, I really do. Just try loading a dishwasher with a toddler trying to crawl in it at the same time. Not a good thing. I hate laundry and have a severe excess of it to take care of.... I am thinking of just parking my garbage can outside my bedroom window and just tossing it all out. I haven't missed it anyway.

Babykins is screaming right now because I will not hold her. I can't though. I need this time desperately. All I can think is what the hell is wrong with me? I am a mother and a wife and I am not supposed to feel like this. I should be happy. I have a moderately healthy, happy family. We have a roof over our heads, that we own. We do not have hardly any money but, money does not equal happiness.... Or so I am told.