Confessions of a stay-at-home Mom

His Hands

2009-10-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

I held his hands a lot.

His hands were rough and calloused. He worked so hard and his hands truly showed how much he loved his work. They were strong. They were scarred. He had little bits of paint in the creases of his nails.

These were the same hands that held me as a baby. That taught me how to play ball. That held me when I was sick. That held my babies.

It was my turn to hold his hand. How I wished he could squeeze my hand. I held his hands hoping and praying he could feel me there and somehow feel how much I loved him. I moved his fingers around. Wiggled his wrist up and down. Rolled up wash cloths to put in his hands when I or mom was not around to hold them.

The nurses rubbed his hands down with lotion twice a day. Mom clipped his nails. The paint chips disappeared. The callouses disappeared. His hands started to take on the look of a man who never knew what manual labor was. They were smooth, the nails were shiny with neat edges. His strong hands had lost their strength.

Now he is in God's hands.

Words cannot express how much I miss him and how much he meant to me.

When I need him the most.

2009-04-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't needed this in so long I almost forgot how to log in. This blog has been my outlet for so long and in recent months I just have not needed it. I stay so busy that I barely have time to breathe let alone sit and type out my thoughts.

I need it now. I have a husband. A good husband. We are so in tune to each other on so many levels. Except one. A major one. Affection. I need affection like I need air or water. He could care less. At least that is how I feel. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we have had issues with that area. I am not talking about sex, just basic affection. He says I demand it. That much is probably true. I am a very demanding woman. He does not seem to need the hugs or even little touches as much as I do. At times I wish I was not so needy.

Like right now, I am sitting in the livingroom while he is in the bedroom because I complained and left the room. I was almost asleep when he came to bed and I scooted closer to him, this is a big deal because we sleep on opposite sides of a king size bed. I was in and out of sleep while he was watching tv and getting up and down for some reason or another. He came back to bed and had his head at the foot of the bed. He turned up the tv loud enough to bother me and that was pretty loud since I suffer from a fair amount of hearing loss. I looked up at him and he just sees nothing wrong with this. He says I was asleep so what did it matter. If I was asleep I would not have been able to tell him what tv shows he was watching or whatever. Should that even matter? He knows I wanted to be near him. And this is my fault.

Now I have a lot of serious stuff going on in my life right now and he has been fairly supportive. So why is he pulling away now? It is okay when he does want affection or wants attention because usually I am willing to give it. I just want him to give me what I need right now. I know he is capable of it otherwise why would I have spent the last 10 years of my life with him?

Cheap or crazy? I think both.

2008-10-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

So apparently I am a nutty woman right now. What's new about that though right? We decided to have the kids birthday parties together this year. Money was a big factor, they both wanted a "jumping" party and for those of you reading this that do not know about those parties, they are freakin outrageous. I am talking three hundred dollars for a 2 hour party. Stupid. I know. We have not been able to take the kids on any sort of vacation for the last 2 years and we really have not spent hardly any money on anything besides the basics in forever. So the kids deserve this. Ansley wants "hannah" themed stuff and Joey wants "super mario". Hannah has been no problem. They make everything under the sun with hannah on it. That is one rich little bitch for sure. Now Mario stuff is insanely hard to find. I have found a few things but damn, I am not willing to pay over 10 bucks on ebay for a freakin bag of mario gummies. Especially since I have done a little research and found out they sell them at dollar tree. Just not a dollar tree near me. I just want so badly to make this a good party for both my kids and I know, treat bags are not even really for my kids, they are for the other kids so what the hell am I stressing about right? I really just want to scream! I am not a martha stewart mom who is going to hand make all the party crap. I have too much on my plate for that. Mike keeps telling me I am worrying about this too much and I know I am, it is just that nagging little voice in the back of my head that wants this perfect and I am going crazy trying.

Question....

2008-05-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

So almost everyone has inlaws. Are yours as fucked up as mine?

I really need to know. I am so damn tired of being played against my sister in law who at one time I was very close to. I am tired of my kids being played against hers. The way I see it, The first grandchild had that family all to herself for over 8 years. My god, is it too much to ask for them to treat my kids the same?

For the record, I am trying this new thing where I do not bitch at my husband about his family so I am just gonna get it all out here that way he does not have to deal with it. He did have to live with them growing up, Not me. It sounds like I have no love for this family when in fact, it is quite the opposite. I care pretty deeply about them that is why this shit gets to me so bad.

Just once I would love for someone, anyone to put me first. Help me when I have a problem. Invite me to do stuff because you want me with you, not because you want to make another family member fucking jealous. Apparently I have potty mouth issues today. There have to be other people out there with this issue. It really is true, you do marry the family, not just the man. Too bad you cannot divorce the family and keep the man.

Depression gets old fast....

2008-02-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

It is late and I cannot sleep. That is rare for me to say. Usually I can fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than five minutes. I haven't been writing because I haven't needed to.

Now I do. I have so many things I need to get out and I can't. So many things are going on, things beyond my control, and it is making me crazy. Right now I should be happy. But of course I am not. My house is becoming nicer, things are somewhat looking up financially, the kids have been healthier this year. They have the flu, strep, and croup at the moment so now is not really the time for me to tout their good fortune with health.

The whole health thing brings me to my mom. She has all these symptoms and things going on and I know it is scaring her, but she will not get things done in a timely manner. It has been three weeks now and we still do not know much else other than she may have cancer. She keeps saying she cannot miss work. I guess that is her way of dealing with this but I am being selfish and want to know what is wrong and what we can do to fix it.

Worrying has been a part of me ever since I can remember. I worry about today, tomorrow, ten years from now. It is not a good thing, I know. Since I haven't been in school for a little while now and I have not been writing, I have been reading. Everything I can get my hands on. That is my way of dealing with stress I suppose. Being this sad and freaking weepy is horrible. I hate it. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a good job, everything should be peachy. Yet I sit here and cry. I don't do this in front of the kids and I try not to do it in front of Mike. He would understand I know but something will not let me go to him.

When I was in school, I will say this, I had no time to worry about anything other than what was at hand that day or due the next. I am putting off going back until I find out what is wrong with mom. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed school. I actually did really well. I missed Mike and the kids of course but it was only a few hours a week that I was away. Time away did wonders for me. I was so happy to see the kids and play with them and it did them well to have so much time alone with their dad. The grades of course were a tremendous self esteem booster, which I desperately needed. This time I am not worried about finishing school, I know I will, it just might take me a little while. I will eventually quit my blubbering.

Still alive...

2008-02-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Yep.

I am still alive.

School was kicking my ass so I had literally no time to "joy" write, I was writing papers and doing homework. I took this quarter off. I think I did fairly well. 3 quarters straight, full time. Pretty good for someone who had not been in school since 99. Things are kinda sketchy right now but I am going back in spring or summer. All depends on how things work out.

I have been a basket case the last 2 weeks. Mike and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary. In the grand tradition of things, of course something went wrong on our anniversary. I was actually hosting a playdate that morning, my first in almost a year. My mom calls. She had been at the doctor and they gave her some very disturbing news. She may have cancer. So far she has had some labwork, had a CT scan and is about to have an MRI and endoscopy. It is killing me because I want answers and I want them now. I do not like waiting on things.

On a lighter note, everything is good with the kids. Ansley started Pre K in august. I am room mother, surprise surprise. Joey is potty trained and moved to the big class at mothers day out. My kids are growing up on me. They no longer even resemble toddlers. Ansley is starting to read and does not even realize it. Joey can kick just about anyone's ass on just about any mario game. Speaking of games...

The kids and I are addicted to webkinz. Yes, those stupid stuffed animal things you register online. I love them! Mike gave me the pink poodle webkin for an early valentines gift. Ansley and Joey can navigate around that site almost as well as I can. Never thought I would have bought into the hype of an expensive stuffed animal :) Everyone has their vice though right?

Prayer For Casey

2007-08-23T15:16:00.001-07:00

Please support our friend Casey by digging the article and visiting coderswasteland and posting a comment. Since the article was posted Casey has moved up from bench warmer to making his first double. He awaits at 2nd base and will hopefully be waved in to slide into home really soon. Thank you for your support from the Organization for Helping Casey Score (OHCS)

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I did it, I did it, I did it, Hooray!

2007-07-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

So I am on a break from school. This quarter finally ended. And I made it though without quitting. Those that know me, I am sure expected me to quit. I have never really accomplished much of anything besides my marriage and my kids without quitting. Ohhhh, and I guess I ought to mention my 4.0 GPA. I think I did pretty good for that being my first time in college going full time.

My priorities are a little different now. Being away from the kids so much has "enlightened" me so to speak. My kids are my motivation for doing well in school. I miss them so much, and I want to make the time I am away, worthwhile. I want to make them proud of their mom. Here I am sounding like I am away from them all the time... It is like 2-3 hours most days. I think I am just trying to justify it again so I do not feel guilty. I have been having some major guilt issues over being in school. I am doing it to myself because Mike has been extremely supportive.

I yelled at Mike the other night. Want to know why? He put the dishes away wrong. He moved things around in the cabinet. He made dinner that night, cleaned the kitchen and even did a few loads of laundry. And I yelled at him. In my insane little mind, I told him he was trying to pull some little power play by changing the way I had things in the cabinets. That I do not tell him how to do his job, or go through and rearrange his computer crap. I was a little nutty that night. Guilt was eating me alive, I had like 4 papers to write, and felt like I had not done anything with or for my family.

Some of that craziness was because I missed a "first". I missed Ansley going down the slide at my in laws' pool. She and Joey are both swimming under water now. Mike obviously is a better teacher with the swimming thing because I am overprotective.

Anyways, I am back for now and for the next two weeks I am out of school so I am gonna be freaking out about Ansley starting school. Hope all is well with everyone!

All by myself....

2007-06-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

So I had this evening all to myself. I guess I should say afternoon. Hell, I have been alone since about 2:30 today and it is almost midnight. There. Got it out.

Mike and the kids went to atlanta for the red sox/braves game. The one I was supposed to go to and could not because I had a midterm. So I wore my t-shirt anyway and went to class. Took my exam, wrote my essays and I hope to god I did better on this than I did on my first test in psychology. Not that I did horribly, I passed, got a 76. I was hoping for better but I think I overdid it with the studying. In ethics and psychology. We will see next week though.

I got home from school around 6, checked my email, walked around the house thinking wow, it is super quiet. Debated on taking a long bath but I decided to go to the movies instead. I had never gone to see a movie alone. I actually enjoyed myself. Went to see "Knocked Up", it was cute. I would almost venture to say it was worth the $9.25 I had to pay for my ticket. Overall, I think this evening has been very nice, no noise, no disruptions. I needed it in a big way. My brain felt like it was going to explode if I tried to add one more thing.

Speaking of abnormal brains, I have a paper to write in psychology. A topic that pertains to something in psyhology that has pros and cons and requires critical thinking. Any ideas would be appreciated as I have yet to get started on this and it is due, oh a week from now. So seriously, give me ideas for a topic people. I am in dire need.

4 going on 20

2007-06-08T04:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I picked up a friend's daughter, K, for swimming lessons. She gets in the car and I buckle her in the booster seat and shut the door. I get in and start driving off. I hear the girls talking in the back. They sound so serious...

K: Ansley, I have some bad news....

Ansley: Oh no! What happened?

K: My fish died

Ansley: Oh how terrible! Are you so sad?

Bear in mind, K just turned 5 and Ansley is 4. This just floored me! They sound like little women already! Their tone was so serious... I had to try so hard to keep from laughing. I had to call K's mom immediately and she was just as in awe as I was.

They grow up so fast. It is hard to see your 4 year old already acting like she is 20.

*Mike brought something to my attention about the title of my post, now I was never a pot head so I did not catch the "420" reference.

Back... for the time being.

2007-05-24T05:16:00.000-07:00

So I have kinda neglected the blogging thing lately. A lot has been going on though. I guess I can use that as an excuse.

I am officially registered for school. God help me, I am taking 4 classes. Monday through Thurday nights and Saturday mornings. I start June 4th and I am scared to death. How am I gonna do this and still be Mommy and wife and well, I am not a good housekeeper to begin with so that does not even count. I really hope I am ready for this.

Tuesday was a bad day for me. Joey screamed when I left him at school,some bad news, and a bad hair cut. Joey seems to be having a tough time of it again lately with school. He and Ansley only go 2 mornings a week for almost 4 hours. He was doing so good, just kissing me bye and running off to play. Now he screams like he is dying and grabs onto whatever part of me he can reach. Which in turn makes me cry, but I know he needs to get over this attachment thing he has going on. Do any of you think there may be an underlying reason for this?

The hair is trivial and stupid, I know. It will grow back. For now though, my hair is shorter than my husbands... think really short pixie type cut. The few people that have seen me, their jaw dropped. So it is a major change for me. I go to push my hair back out of habit and realize, oh, I do not have any hair anymore. Whatever.

The bad news was that my brother and his wife lost their baby, she was 8 months along. It just makes me sick to think about it. I cannot even imagine what they are going though. I haven't talked to them yet, my dad has and just relays messages. I want to do something to let them know I care, but what? You don't send your brother a sympathy card and a plant. I am just trying to respect their privacy right now because I feel like that is what I would want. If you get a moment, pray for them.

I feel like an ass complaining about my hair then talking about my brother's loss. No comparison at all. There are lots of things going on in everyone's life, I guess it is all in the way you handle it.

Testing...quiet please!

2007-05-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, let me just say, I am over the MIL crap. I have not spoken to her and have no plans to in the future, so we will see where that goes later.

Took my entrance exam for college since I have been out so long. Turns out, I am not as dumb as I thought! I scored a 92 in reading, a 99 in english, and a 71 in pre algebra and a 31 in algebra. I have always said math is not my thing. So, to put it bluntly, I am only going to have to take one remedial algebra class instead of three. And of course, no remedial english. That totally made my weekend. I still have yet to see if any of my previous classes will transfer. I hope at least one or two will.

Ansley had her first belly dancing class last friday. A friend of mine did a little research and found a class for our daughters to attend together. I liked it, Ansley was a little shy though. She already knew how to roll her belly (thanks to my belly dancing days). It just made me want to start taking classes again. I loved it! I am going to let her go again and if she decides she likes it we will keep going. She loves to do it at home, she is just so shy in front of people. Anyways, here are my babies, Ansley at the studio and Ansley teaching Joey what she learned. At least he is gonna be cultured right?

MIL, need I say more?

2007-04-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

My inlaws are at it again. Seriously, I don't know how my husband turned out okay with such fucking nutjobs for parents. My mother in law is a supremely heartless crazy bitch. Probably off her meds again. It was brought to my attention recently that she "pays our bills and takes care of our kids" all the time. Another family member of his told me this. My reply? That is such bullshit. She has never even watched our kids but a couple of times and only a few hours at that. She has helped us with the bills a couple of times, but would you want it broadcast that you had to ask for help? I mean come on, that is just cruel. She called me to today to brag that she just won 450 bucks in bingo... yeah I know that is lame, but the money part is what she wanted me to hear, then goes on to say "it is going to take you guys a while to be able to fix Mike's car isn't it?" I tell her yeah, we have to save it up. She says, "aww, thats too bad, it is hot out". Mike's car he is driving now has no air conditioning. Is that just being a bitch or am I crazy? Here she is telling me she won money and then in the next breath making sure that it is going to take a while for us to fix Mike's other car. I am so pissed off I am sure I am not even making any sense right now.

On top

2007-04-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day. I probably just jinxed myself, but oh well. The kids have been behaving, I have done some cleaning and I did a little workout. I feel like I am on top of things.

Lately I have been obsessing about my weight. Like every woman does. This time has been a little different though. I have been making a very conscious effort to eat better and a LOT less. It has been paying off, I have lost 17 pounds so far. Apparently people around you that see you all the time just do not notice.

My goal is to look good in this . Only mine says "Married into it". We have tickets to go see the sox play the braves in June, and I want to wear my t-shirt. And look good in it.

I want to scream and kick too!

2007-04-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Ever just feel like screaming? I know I do right now. I feel like just taking my laptop and throwing it on the floor and stomping on it... all because the right shift key is fucked up and I am just in that bad of a mood.

Things are going relatively well right now so I should be all happy and cheery but no, not me, I can never make things easy. Today has been flat out hell. Evidently my kids do not like me. If they do, I hate to see what they would do to torture someone. We had been having a good week, or so I thought anyway. I have taken them to the lake, played outside with them for hours and we had fun, so I guess I was due for a temper tantrum day. Today is that day. Nothing but screaming and kicking and just in general being bad. I had planned on taking them fishing today. Glad I have a brain and figured, gee, if they are being this bad at home, I wonder how bad they would be up at the lake with fish hooks and other things to hurt each other and me. So I said no fishing and thus started round 2 of the screaming.

We have made it to round 3 and they are still alive so I feel like I am ahead of the game.

Lots of crap has happened this month, and in spite of my pissy mood today, I think I am handling it relatively well. Mike was in a car accident a few weeks ago. Thank god he was not hurt and neither was the other guy, but I have to say, rookie cops suck. Mike's car was damaged so badly that it was not even driveable. The car we just bought in February. Since we are on the poor side, I have been only carrying liability on the cars. Which means we are responsible for fixing it. Again, thank god for good friends, my friend's husband does body work and is trying to help us. Mike started his new job and that seems to be going well. We finally all have health and life insurance. It is kinda funny though, he is the "minority" in that office. I guess that comes with the line of work. I finally got off my ass and I am going back to school. I start in June. I am scared to death. So a lot of bad and good has happened. And I have calmed down a bit since I started writing this. A glass of wine would be nice right about now. Add in a kid free bubble bath, a good book and some dark chocolate and I would be in heaven. Maybe one day.

It's Pretty...

2007-03-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, first I am going to say I may possibly be PMSing. I don't know, I never keep up with that shit. But I am definitely in a mood.

Ever just want to feel pretty? I mean like you go get your hair done, everyone keeps telling you wow, you look like a different person, it really suits you and the one person you want to impress just really isn't impressed or if they are they just don't really show it? By the way, I finally went and got my hair cut and yes, it looks very different.

I was talking online with my dear husband this morning and he just installed windows vista pro, I believe that is what it is called. He was telling me he seems to like it, that it is very easy to use, and then, get this, he says "it's pretty". WTF? I am dying over here because all I want is to freaking feel pretty and he tells me windows is "pretty". Guess that is what I get for marrying a nerd.

I will get over it.

Everyone is stylish but the mom....

2007-03-05T05:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so everyone has been sick for the last month, Ansley was hospitalized, Mike almost was and Joey and I were just plain old sick. Anyways, all is better now.

I had to get up at the crack of dawn today. Our niece Kristin spent the night with us and I had to get her up and dressed in time for school. She is 12 now so it is becoming fun to dress her. I put a little makeup on her, loaned her a cute beaded necklace along with my little jean jacket that I swear I am going to fit back into one day... Anyways, I had fun prissing her up.

Mike has another interview this morning. It is kinda weird, I love interview days with him because I get to dress him. He is a good looking man, but put him in the right clothes and you kinda see him in a new light. I was at the door this morning watching him walk to his car and he looked soooo good! Not that he does not always look good, it is just one of those things.... Something about a man in a tie I suppose. That and my affinity for sweater vests. I think I did get on his nerves a bit though, putting moisturizer on his face, telling him to ease up on the cologne... Overall I think it was a successful look. We will know soon enough.

I go to get my hair done this week. I think I am having it all whacked off again. I am in dire need of a new look. Ditched my cute little nose ring back before christmas. At one of the kids' school parties I was helping out and one little girl asked what the sparkly thing on my nose was and suddenly I am being inspected by 12 preschoolers wanting to know why I have an earring in my nose so I figured it was time. Plus I just do not want to be that mom. You guys know what I am talking about, the one so voraciously grasping at her youth she does not even realize she looks ridiculous....by the way, I am turning 30 this summer and it is umm, bothering me is one way to put it. The fact that Mike keeps dangling his upcoming 29th birthday is not helping either. I gave him 2 options for my birthday. And plenty of time to either save or plan. A big party or a full, and I mean full, day at a spa. I have a few more months though...

Save $15 at FTD for Valentine's Day

2007-02-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, its a hallmark holiday, but you better get your significant other something. Why not save $15? No gimmicks, no scams, no signing up for SPAM! I just figured I'd share the savings!

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Training a dog....

2007-02-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

And no, I am not referring to my husband or men in general. Although, I know that popped into your head.

Anways, we got a new member of the family. As if we do not have enough going on, we add a new dog. We miss Mona terribly and having a big dog around is nice. So, being the good person that I am, I opt to post on freecycle for anyone with any unwanted puppies. Got several responses, one just broke my heart. It was for a dog with 3 legs! I wanted it but I know we could not afford the vet bills and the fact that my kids would probably injure one of its good legs. Okay, off on a tangent there, back to topic. We adopted a little puppy we named Manny, after Ansley's favorite redsox player. He is half weimaraner and we think half lab. He is a hellion.

Yesterday was almost my breaking point with him. He has been doing pretty good with the house training. Till yesterday. He shit in the house 4 times. 4 times! Oh my god I was pissed and ready to get rid of him. I forgot how hard puppies can be. Mike had to remind me of how hard it was to train Mona, I mean we kept her and she did totally annihilate 3 couches. Big difference though, one was eating my shit, the other, shitting all over my house. I can tolerate things that are not disgusting. Today so far is much better. I am trying a new loving approach, after each nap that I catch him waking up from, I hug him and throw his ass out the doggy door. It is working better.

I may be teaching the kids a bad thing though. Each time I catch Manny chewing on something he shouldn't, and believe me, it is often, I pop him on the butt with it and tell him no. Then give him one of his toys. The kids are now doing this too. They of course are a lot more gentle about it than I am, which is a good thing and there is no sarcasm there.

If there are any tricks to weimaraners or labs that anyone can inform me of, I would be grateful.

Here is the little monster that we absolutely love...

Umm, anyone see my mind?

2007-02-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

I think I am losing my fucking mind. I have been sick for the last 3 days and it feels like an eternity. Mike has been taking care of the kids so I can sleep, but it is that restless in and out kind of sleep where you do not really get any rest. The times I am able to sleep I have been having the freakiest dreams where you wake up pissed off at everyone you know. Coffee is not even helping! Mike brought me a large cup of coffee from dunkin donuts today and I fell asleep while drinking it. I slept literally all day. I did not get up till after 6. I am losing my days and my nights. Yes, I do realize none of this is interesting and no one really wants to read my complaints but hell, I guess it is better than laying it all on my family who is actually trying to take care of me.

In love again...

2007-01-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

So I guess I f-ed up that last entry, my little movie worked when I first put it up. Oh well.

I am soooo in love right now! I found a new drink. New to me anyway. The mojito. Ahhhhh is all I can say. That drink is like sushi to me. I can never get enough and cannot afford it all the time.

Be back soon.

My Humps

2007-01-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ansley and Joey dancin to My Humps.

Inlaws.... Enough said?

2007-01-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

Typically everyone dislikes their inlaws. As if marriage wasn't hard enough without throwing in a few extra assholes. Anyways, I am sure you are getting the point that my inlaws are distressing me. Actually one in particular has pissed me the fuck off.

Imagine this, you have a son, he works hard, goes to college at night while raising a family. You would be proud of him right? He may have chosen the hard way about things but he is doing it. Your son graduates and you tell him that you have to work, you can't go to his graduation dinner, you picked up an extra shift because he made the request that his niece, your grandchild, not be present at his celebration because she tends to ruin a good time.

The asshole has not even told him he is proud of him for graduating from college! With a fucking computer science degree! I can't say anything to him out of respect for my husband, but god how I want to.

Perplexed or just plain confused

2007-01-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

Today feels weird. Mike went to work this morning and the kids are asleep and I am all alone. For the moment anyway. Mike has been home for the last week or so and I have gotten used to him being around. So now I feel a little funny without someone glaring at me for being on the laptop. Usually it is the other way around.

We made it through the holidays, undamaged, for the most part. The kids are all happy and still basking in the after Santa clause glow. Toys are overflowing from my livingroom because I have yet to go through the toyroom and make a rather large donation pile. Which, I will be doing this week by the way.... So if any of you know me and want to lay claim to some outgrown toys and clothes, tell me now.

I still do not know just what I am feeling yet about the whole graduation thing. It just doesn't seem real yet. I guess maybe when he switches jobs and moves me halfway across the US I will realize it then, you think? I do not know if it is the area we live in, cost of living is mighty low considering some of the other places I read about, or if we are just used to being poor, but houses elsewhere are astronomical! And we live in a good area in a nice neighborhood.

The realization that Ansley is 4 now, just kicked in. I have to start making school preparations. I am beyond scared. She is a very intelligent child so I know she is ready in that aspect, but am I ready to let her go for 8 hours a day? I am having chest pains at the thought. I found a private school that does half day pre-k and kindergarten. It comes highly recommended and seems to be more than I could have hoped for, but can we afford it? And would I be holding her back by not letting her attend public school? The reason we bought this house 7 years ago was for the school district, we knew eventually we would have kids and I am definitely not the "homeschool" type. So, what are your thoughts, and dammit, somebody respond. I know people read my blog, I do have the customary numerous trackers you know....

Kickin' it old skool!

2006-12-29T18:31:00.000-08:00

So we had a good Christmas, everyone got way too much stuff, our house is now overrun with toys... Even more so than before. And my husband and kids are addicted to video games. The hubby camped out at target all night for his wii, so now he and the kids are totally loving it. I have to say I am mildly impressed, it is a nifty little gadget. But here comes the old skool part.... We got my mom an Atari flashback 2 for Christmas. Ansley so kicks ass at playing Atari. She kicks my ass at boxing on the wii too. I guess with her father having a degree in computer science she is destined for technology.....

and yes!!!!

You read it right.... HE GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!

I am so unbelievably proud of him! He officially graduated on December 20, Ansley's birthday. I think the shock of it has not set in yet. With the holidays and everything we have been so busy we have not had time to enjoy his freedom. I told him now that he is going to be home so much we are going to discover we really do not like each other. This will be the first time in 8 years that he is not "in school". He has been in school the entire time we have been together, it is going to be weird!

I do hope that everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and I wish you all a happy new year!

Fire, fire!

2006-12-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

I think my kid is a little pyromaniac. It is finally starting to get cold here in Georgia so we have been utilizing the fire place. The first night Mike built a fire, Joey sat in front of the fire place just chanting "fire, fire, fire".... I mean just picture a toddler, a 2 year old boy now, totally mesmerized, sitting still and quietly whispering "fire" over and over. Future arsonist maybe? I hope not. He is just wayyyy too interested for my comfort. I imagine his interest will wane with time.

Aside from my little fire bug, things have been going fairly well this week. I quit my crappy seasonal job after only a week because I am worth way more than those people wanna pay me. And I was tired. Ansley's 4th birthday party went well, I was pretty pleased, it was after all a Chuck E Cheese birthday party. Our first birthday party away from home. She enjoyed it, that is all that matters right? Joey finally started saying "I love you". I was having a bit of a hormonal crisis last night looking through photos. My kids are getting so old!!!! Okay, I am gonna quit rambling now. Oh, we just got our lights up. Colored lights that make the kids ecstatic. You women know what I am talking about. But I am ever so grateful that Mike went to all the trouble of putting them up and getting stuck by the holly bushes and freezing his ass off. :)

If you pick it up, put it back where it belongs...

2006-11-25T05:14:00.000-08:00

That goes for everyone out there who has picked something up at a store, only to lay it down somewhere else because they changed their mind. My new attitude is a result of my new holiday job. The fear that we were not going to be able to provide a nice Christmas for the kids and our families prompted me to get a crap seasonal position in a major chain store. My hours are hell, I work overnight. 10p to 7a. God help me.

I just got home from my first night/morning and I am exhausted. There is a good reason for this... Lazy asses, like I used to be, just tend to drop shit anywhere. I spent all damn night putting things back. It sucked. So think twice and put your shit back so I don't have to! Okay, my ranting is over for now.

Things haven't been wonderful lately but they haven't been horrible either. We all went through our rounds of illnesses. The kids are doing well in school. I do not think I have updated you guys, but Joey has been going, and staying! Without crying! I am still in awe every time I drop him off. My dear husband camped all night the freezing weather last week to get a Nintendo wii, he got one and he and the kids love it. The first night he had it he was trying out the little sports thing, in a t shirt and boxers. I was secretly giggling at how silly he looked. I told his friend I was gonna record it and post it on youtube. I still might. So dearest, if you are reading this, watch out :)

Old friend or no friend?

2006-11-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation today. It was regarding friendships. My real friendships have always meant a lot to me. By real, I mean it is not a passing phase, a person that will always be close to my heart, I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but it is true. A person that no matter how much time goes by between conversations, you still feel the same about and vice versa. A person that knows and understands life is constantly moving and doesn't fault you for not visiting or calling.

I only have a handful of real friends. No matter how many friends you have, it still sucks to realize that someone whose friendship you always held close does not feel the same way. One would think you would have to be a little on the slow side to have that happen, but I like to think I am not slow... Occasionally ditzy but not slow. I truly value my friends and hope they realize this because I know I do not always voice it.

Busy, busy, busy

2006-10-30T06:26:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year when I get all creative and decide to kill myself with projects, so here are a ton of pictures for your enjoyment and be nice about my efforts...damn it.

My friend Sharon and I decided to get all in the fall mood and since we do pumpkin patch pics every year, we thought this would be too freakin cute with the pumpkin stuff. Sharon did most of the work, I can't take credit for it all.

This next set is of Ansley's "flower fairy" costume. Took me 5 hours but I am not complaining, the results are worth it.

Now I did not make my little man's costume because frankly, I am just not that talented but here he is asleep in his costume because he refused to take it off.

Curious?

2006-10-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am curious about what my husband is doing on the laptop. He was sitting here last night, doing his homework like a good little boy and I hear the little chime of google talk. It is like bells and fireworks freaking go off in my head because immediately I have to get up and go look over his shoulder. It is like this insane need for me to see who he is talking to, only I have no reason to be this way.

We are both addicted to our laptops and google talk. It is our means of communication while he is at work and school. For the most part we share most of the same "buddies". So why am I all psycho nazi about google talk? I have no idea.

The only reason I can think of, is that way back in 99, I was chatting on aol and this interesting guy Im'ed me. The one I think I fell in love with before we even met. The one I married. I guess I feel like if that could happen for me so easily(obviously it did for him too), it could happen again. Or perhaps I am just feeling yucky about myself and therefore doubting he could possibly still love the nagging, fat, psycho bitch I have become... the bitch part has always been there though.

Anways, enough of that crying in my beer crap. I am better now, almost no snot left. While I was sick, my Joeyman got sick too, a weekend hospital stay, every test came back negative but we still had to do the oxygen tent thing. He is all better though, now Mike is sick. I guess when the ball starts rolling...

Sick or sick in the head?

2006-10-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate being sick and yet I am sick again. I take vitamins, I am relatively active, I mean I chase 2 kids around all day so it is not like I sit on my butt all day. Yet I am sick. Went to the doctor and did not get a straight answer on what I have, do you guys have that problem? Oh I got antibiotics and a decongestant. His answer when I asked him what was wrong? Oh your throat looks disgusting. So I point blank ask, do I have a sinus infection? Yes. Finally a straight fucking answer.

Apparently I get pretty mean when I get sick. Well, I know I do. I yelled at Mike today and hung up on him like 3 times and he still came home to take care of me. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so mean. He still likes me though so that is good. I will be back later when I am a little less sick in the head.

Nude no more...

2006-10-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I can't be naked around the kids, more specifically Joey any longer. Not that I was a stark raving nudist or anything, but I never had a problem with being naked around them. Mike and I have always taken the "your body is not a weird thing" approach with nudity and such. We tell the kids like it is. Or like we think it is. That the body is a natural thing and they should not be ashamed of it. I guess for girls this approach sinks in, for boys, not so much.

The other day the kids and I were taking a bath and Joey just reaches out and grabs my chest and says "BOOBIES!". I guess that is typical male behavior but I have to say, it did freak me out. Made me feel very icky. My baby is a baby no longer. He is turning into a boy. I guess this means he isn't gay.

*update: while watching old school the other night, Joey just happened to look at the screen and again, out with the "BOOBIES!".

Ties...

2006-10-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone has different taste in well, just about everything. Secretly, I have a thing for a man in a tie. Just something there that does it for me. I have to like the tie though, which is why my husband gets stuck wearing ties I love and he hates.

Christmas is coming up and I have been thinking, is a tie a good gift? We are undying red sox fans, so maybe the kids could get him a Boston tie. I found some really cute red sox ties at tieguys.com. Maybe then he would have at least one tie he likes.

Sharing the bed

2006-10-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep tonight so I figured I would get up and write, or type...Whatever. I was laying in bed listening to the kids and mike breathe and snore, and it dawned on me, as much as I bitch about the kids in the bed, I like having them there. Laying there so calm and breathing deep, they look like little angels. Mike looks so protective, even in his sleep, his arm around Ansley and his hand on Joey. He fell asleep holding my hand, it was nice.

Something about me...

2006-10-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been reading a lot. I tend to read mostly on the net because, well frankly, my laptop is one of the few things in the house that the kids deem important. By that I mean they know mommy will fly into an unrecognizable rage if something happens to her only means of momentary escape.

But anways, I have always had a love of weird and sometimes useless trivia. I love trivia games (as if I ever get to play them) and of course this coincides with reading. I found a pretty cool blog about trivia type stuff.

I sat here this morning and read the majority of september's entries. Of course, being the weirdo I am, I liked the murder and burial facts the most. So far the information is pretty reliable since I just finished a book on serial killers and the blog listed several that they mentioned in the book and both give pretty much the same account of the timing and facts. If anyone should share my affinity for unusual trivia, this blog is an unusual and easy read. Definitely takes away from the everyday norm.

Catch up time

2006-10-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

So I don't have to tell you guys it has been crazy. That is a given. I have been sick, like allIwannadoissleep sick. I am for the most part over it, I still have the scratchy voice that sounds like I smoke 4 packs a day. Think of the episode of friends when phoebe had a cold and loved the scratchy voice. That is me, only I am so ready to talk normally again.

Thursday night we had a spur of the moment trip to palm coast, Florida. We stayed until Saturday afternoon, then began the journey home. Just in case you were wondering, we had to take my mom to see my dad. He was working there, now in apopka. Anyways, the kids loved seeing Pop, I just wish they could see more of him. The kids were surprisingly good for the trip and I feel a bit better about traveling with them now, should we have to.

It is already October! That means even less time till Mike is done with school! I am soooo excited! He is doing good, like always. I am so proud of him, I just wish he knew that. Have to go do my mommy stuff now....The kids need food and such.

Check out my men...

2006-09-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. How tough does my little Joeyman look??? Okay, I know I have been bragging a lot lately, I just finally started taking pictures again and I have to show off my favorites. Joey is just a little mini-me of Mike.

Underwater wasteland or wonderland?

2006-09-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have this fish tank. Ansley pitched a fit to have fish a while back, like over a year ago. So we got her a 10 gallon tank with all the cool little extras and for a while, it was well taken care of, not so much anymore. Now, I am usually a good pet owner and treat my pets with love and respect, these poor fish though have not had it so good lately. Their tank is in dire need of a good cleaning and they need new homes. So I am trying to find them adoptive parents. So I can pitch the tank. But, here is the good part. I have found a solution. Ansley wants a fish tank of convenience, so an Ambient Water Video Aquarium DVD would be an awesome replacement. We could pop in the aquarium dvd and presto, instant fish! Without all the work! Not to mention that would be a good thing to have on while the kids are playing, instead of all the noisy cartoons, we could have peaceful fish.

Mine or hers?

2006-09-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

Just from looking at this picture, you would think that this would be me and my daughter. Unless of course you knew me and knew that I was oh, almost a foot shorter and chubby with brown hair. I saw this picture and was like my god, she could be her child. But anyways, for those who do not know, this is my younger sister who is obviously blonde, skinny and almost 6 ft tall. It is astonishing to me that they can look almost identical. This picture actually does not show just how much Ansley does look like her.

By the way, just disregard all the shit in my kitchen behind them. I am really keeping my house a lot cleaner now.

It burns!

2006-09-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

151 really burns. One might ask, what the hell are you doing drinking 151? Well, the desire to get severely drunk, super fast might have something to do with it. The fact my little hellions.... opps, did I say hellions? I meant kids, have been ungodly horrible today may be a clue. I guess I would venture so far as to say they have not been horrible, just whiny to the point you want to beat the hell out of them. Thank god I know not to do this.

Okay, had to take a diaper break, I will be SOOOOO glad when Joey is finally potty trained. He got a "peter potty" for his birthday, I would have put a link but I am too lazy right now. Oh did I mention Joeyman turned 2? We have officially entered the terrible two's and I quit taking my prozac. As long as I have alcohol and pills I should be okay. Not that I am an alcoholic pill popper, who is in denial or anything.

I am not sure if I am making much sense right about now, I just felt the need to vent a little. Things have been a little hectic and tense lately but what is new about that? Mike has until december with school and he is D.O.N.E. Can you tell I am excited??? We are going to get him situated then I will begin to fret over my lack of education.

That has been bothering me a lot lately. I keep running across these stay at home moms with degrees of all sorts and I have to meekly state that I am not finished yet. I am not even close. Which has been making me want something big even more. I mean like real big. I think I want doctor status of some sort.

Could be the want for money, I am not sure. I think I will of course figure this out one day, just not tonight... although big decisions have been made before under the influence of alcohol. Again, I think I am spewing nonsense so I am going to do another shot. :)

Too smart?

2006-09-04T15:21:00.001-07:00

Kids these days are just unreal. I know that sounds just like something my parents would say. Ansley has been asking for some "technologically advanced" things. She is already making specific requests for Santa. She wants an Ipod, a pink one at that! Then of course, the gay Idog to go with it, then clothes for the Idog..... I asked her, "do you even know what you do with an Ipod?" bear in mind she is only 3. She told me it is for daddy to download her music so she can listen to it. And she needs the ear thingys too. Okay, I barely know what an Ipod is for, let alone how to freakin use the thing! She must take after her father in that department. He is a nerd and all...

Maybe we can actually win an Ipod. That would just be wonderful. My 3 year old could then have her toy without us having to fork out a few hundred bucks. Crazy right? Funny thing is, she will probably get one. And even learn how to use it before I do.

Sweet dreams

2006-09-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

Bear with me on this one. I am half asleep and pissed off.

Had a normal night, or at least I did until I started dreaming. Very rarely will I remember my dreams. When I do, anger is usually present. In very high doses.

I am a weird sleeper to begin with, I talk in my sleep, I snore louder than most men and seldom do I sleep in. I would love to, but something in me just clicks and my eyes pop open. So anyways, I am rambling here, I need to get to the point.

Ever dream about something you know never happened or will happen and you just get mad anyway? I am so mad at mike right now and I know it is completely irrational because he is in the bed right now beside the children, where he was all night long.

I wonder if subconsciously I am freaked out because he actually has a life and I do not. And by that I mean he gets out, away from us and does things without the kids and I. These are things he has to do, like school and work, so what the hell is my problem right?

He has some school functions coming up and I do not think I am going with him, they will be overnight things, the nerd competitions, I really do want him to go and enjoy himself since this is his last semester of school but maybe that is what is gnawing at my brain making me all retarded.

Maybe some of this makes sense.

Need a little help people...

2006-08-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Might wanna read this when the kids or boss is not around :)

Okay, for my 3 readers out there, I would like to know, does sex exist when you have children? Mom stop reading now please. I need to know that sometime in the near future things are going to be different. Just from my experience, without giving TMI (I had to), either you have to be faster than a rabbit or just exist on something every now and then. And by every now and then I mean maybe monthly.

Getting the kids out of our bed would be the first step, and we are working on it. Then getting them to sleep all night. If and when I finally do that, I could wear some sexy lingerie and maybe Mike wouldn't need this, I know, again, a little TMI (I can't stop!). Anyways, are there ways around this and does anyone else suffer from this problem?

I may have to purchase some of this pasta to let him in on what I am thinking....

My little man

2006-08-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

I had to post a pic of my beautiful little boy. This is one of my favorites of him, shows off his long eyelashes and big pouty lips. He is going to be a handsome man when he grows up. I just have to teach him the proper way to treat women, lord knows his dad sure isn't..... by the way, I love you honeybunny!

Also did not want anyone thinking I play favorites with the kids, they are both my favorite!

Money? I can make some?

2006-08-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

I just started this new thing called PayPerPost. It seems to be this nifty company that pays you to blog, something we all enjoy doing. They give you a range of "opportunities", basically topics you can choose to incorporate into your blog. Each opportunity has a different payscale but they are available to everyone! So anyone and everyone with a blog can do this, I signed up today and this is my first post. And to think there was a way to make money sitting right here that I had not tried. There are several blogs out there I read that have already taken advantage of this easy way to bring in some extra income. For a stay at home parent, such as myself, how could you go wrong? Making a little extra doing something you were going to do anyway! How cool is that?

Growing up is hard to do

2006-08-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

Unless you have a mom like me. In which case it is easy because you are spoiled rotten. Seriously though, I have been boohooing lately about my kids growing up. It could be that or I ran out of prozac, never fear, the supply has been replenished. Anyways, my darling little girl had her first pedicure, or as she calls it "pedicare". When she went to get fitted for her dance shoes the girls were amazed that she had already had a pedicure. Here are the results, feel free to tell me how cute my kid's toes are.... I hope this post does not attract any sickos. That would totally deflate my happiness balloon.

In my past life, I was a ......

2006-08-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Liar? Would that be a good word? Mike and I were discussing things at dinner last night. Such as, is dating 2 people at the same time wrong? My response: No, as long as there is no commitment and you are not sleeping with them.

This topic comes up because my sister is dating 2 guys, she just got out of a long term relationship and is not committed to either guy. Mike thinks this is wrong. I think it is fine, as long as she is not sleeping with them.

Anyways, this led to discussions of our relationship. Think way back, like over 7 years ago...... Mike and I talked online for a while before we met in person. We met one night and have been together ever since.

Here comes the interesting part. He asks if I ever dated anyone else after I met him. I say no and he says you are lying. I am a terrible liar. That much is a fact. I was not lying about what he asked specifically. I told him that I still talked to guys online. That was the part I felt slightly dishonest about. Out come the confessions at this point. He admits he still talked to girls online after we met, something he always vehemently denied. He says that was a long time ago, nothing we can do about it now, does it really matter now anyways?

All the grief I got over someone sending me "coded" pages, and now he says "does it really matter?". Ummm, yes. I think it does.

I am really just a pain in the ass and never like to drop the past.

How can you do that to your kid????

2006-08-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

My sister came to visit this weekend. All was well, we had a great time and of course the kids adore her. She does have one flaw. She lives in Ashville. The first (and only) time I visited her, the city reminded me of Athens, Georgia. I mean so much so that if you were not thinking about it, you would think you were there. Anyways, we were discussing children in Ashville. Her friends children. Who attend schools like "Free to be me preschool". And have names like "Righteous Rhythm". Yep. Some butthead named their kid righteous rhythm. How the kids, I mean toddlers, have dreads and the little boys with long hair wear their hair in a bun.....

Now I am all for freedom of expression. I was a little punk rock freak back in the day and will wholeheartedly admit to it. I loved it. But to subject my kids to that? Maybe dye Ansley's hair blue and teach Joey to mosh..... Amusing right? I just do not get it. Maybe I am getting too old or something but I think these people are condemning their kids to a life of "I am stuck in a college town and can't get out" syndrome.

I will now get off of my little self righteous soap box.....

See that girl...

2006-08-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

She is my little dancing queen.

My baby started tap and ballet lessons this afternoon. When we got there I had a huge knot in my stomach because the parents are not allowed in the studio, I knew I had to leave her and I did not want to. It hit me, my little girl is not a baby anymore. She looks like a big girl now, no more baby fat, not that she ever had much anyway. Okay, enough of the sniveling, I will get over it.

Things have been crazy as usual. I have been mean and moody. My parents are gone now and I don't like it. I still have the attitude of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Which explains my blogging absence. So maybe I will have more to say later.

Boys don't carry purses.... Or do they?

2006-07-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Monday night mom took the kids to chucke cheese. I was getting them ready to go and Ansley said she needed a purse to match her outfit for the tokens and tickets. I went off in search of a purse and Joey comes up to me with a little brown leather purse on his shoulder, ear to ear grin, saying "purse mine". Ansley pipes up with "Boys don't carry purses! Do they mom?". I told her no, that typically boys don't carry purses but some like to... Just how do you explain that to a toddler? Especially my son! I don't want him to be a purse totin' friend of dorothy, but I will love and respect him no matter what, but geez! Worrying about this crap this early? No wonder I am starting to get gray hair!

Goodbye back fat!

2006-07-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been a little weird for me. The adderall I am on is definitely helping to keep me busy but good god I feel like a coke fiend or something. I have never done coke so I am just assuming that is the right reference. The good side to that is that I have not been eating hardly anything. Something must be working because I am noticing things about me are changing. Anyone who has had a kid knows about back fat. Hell even Britney Spears has back fat. That is the first thing I noticed the other day, I put my hand on my lower back and was pleasantly surprised, it did not even feel like me! I am losing the back fat!

Follow your nose...

2006-07-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a traumatic day in my household. One minute I am on the phone gazing into the fridge trying desperately to find something for lunch, the next my son is screaming bloody murder grabbing his face. Of course this scares me half to death, I grab him and run to the couch to hold him and try to find out what is going on, it looked like he had blood coming from one side of his nose. I am holding him and calling my mom in a panic and I finally got him calm enough to wipe his face and nose and lo and behold it is not blood. It is a pinky reddish orange color. I am thinking what the hell has he got up his nose?

I look around on the floor and notice a pill. A pinky reddish orange one. One of the two ibuprofen I had given mike after dinner. It suddenly becomes obvious where the other one is. Apparently mike left them on the TV tray and did not take them. DUMBASS.

So my mom calls poison control and I call my sister in law, the RN. Joey is screaming again by this time. A dissolving ibuprofen pill in your nose apparently hurts. Deb brought over the little grabber things but the pill was too far up for us to grab, so we play the waiting game. I swabbed the inside of his nose with lidocaine and then a few saline drops to try to hurry and dissolve the damn thing and it starts coming out in foamy chunks. I felt awful, my poor baby was hurting and there was nothing I could do about it except call mike at work and yell at him for leaving the freaking pills out in the first place. About 5 calls to doctors later he is fine and they said that 200mg of ibuprofen is not toxic for his size. So, Joey learned a little lesson, do not stick shit up your nose! I asked him if he was ever going to put anything up his nose again and he shook his head violently and said "unh uh!". And how was your day????

Old hag?

2006-07-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

It is official. I am 29. Yesterday was my birthday. I had what mike referred to as a "Hanukkah" birthday. I had 2 cakes and like 3 celebrations. My parents took me out for sushi, spent like 200 bucks but it was sooooo worth it. That stuff is like crack. Anyways, it was a nice birthday even if I am feeling old and wrinkly. Everyone kept asking me if I was 30. Talk about a mood killer.

Joining the Y has been good for me. Well, actually summer has been good for me. We have been swimming just about every day since it was warm enough to swim. I am noticing a difference in my body. Getting toned up but I just cannot deal with the baby belly. 2 c-sections have wrecked my chances for a flat stomach ever again. As soon as the kids will let me leave them in the nursery I plan to work out a little each day. So far though, the swimming alone is kicking my ass. My whole body hurts every day when I get home. I hope it pays off. I am tired of being fat. Now I have old to add to the fat part.

Mike and I were discussing being fat. It is not something that happened overnight. It is not something we even meant to let happen, we just truly love food. When we discuss traveling or even just getting out of the house the first thing we discuss is food. I could be skinny if I wanted to, don't get me wrong, I do not eat like a cow or anything, I just do not limit myself to salads or no fat stuff. I eat like a normal person it just sticks to me a little more. I think the hormones have something to do with it. Or I could just be trying to make myself feel better.

Crying in my cornflakes...

2006-07-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

My password finally came to me in a dream, Otherwise I would still not be blogging.

Right. I'll just go with that story. The real one is a lot less interesting.

My parents are moving out of their house and packing their stuff in storage. I do not like this. At. All. But since I am about to be 29 I just need to quit my whining. Mom is pretty much selling everything in their house. 2 bedrooms are empty already and it is setting in that pretty much the whole house will be soon. I will have no family of my own here around me. None. Brother lives in Savannah, not that I really talk to him anyway. Sister lives in Asheville, over 4 hours away. My parents will be all over.

Dad leaves for Kentucky Thursday. I have seen him twice in the last 2 months. Mom at least is staying to pack up the house. I will have her till the 1st of august. Still does not make it any easier. I am just a big baby, I know it should not matter what my parents choose to do. It may be wrong of me, but I want my kids to know them. Know them like I knew my Mema. It is selfish of me but I have always wanted them closer to my side of the family and now that is pretty much not gonna happen.

I always think of the what-ifs. What if one of my kids get sick and put in the hospital? Will my parents come to see them? What if something happens to me and I need help? What will I do then? I am just so freaking negative it hurts.

My mother and husband suggested I go to the doctor to be put on more happy pills to make this easier on me. So, now I am officially on prozac and adderall. My little cocktail should work. I know the adderall keeps me focused that's for damn sure. Focus may not be what I need right now though. I need to just not care. Should have gone back on the zoloft for that. Ironically enough, I hate pills. With a passion. But, I always seem to have someone telling me I need them.

On a lighter note, we joined the Y. We got a 30% discount on membership fees and my sister in law and mother in law agreed to pay for it. Very generous of them. I do appreciate my husbands side of them family I just feel like they are not mine. I want mine.

I want I want I want. I always want something. This week I am going to do something to help someone else that wants something. Maybe that will make me a better, less whiny person.

Ohhhh, forgot about girls night out. This past Saturday we had girls night out. Mike took the kids and I got to go out with the girls. We SO looked like a bunch moms out on the town. Went to a tapas restaurant downtown and spent a fortune. I, of course seemed like the alcoholic of the group. Secretly had a beer while waiting on them to pick me up, then had 2 framboise lambic's with my dinner, then off to a coffee shop where I had my coffee spiked. Then one of the husband's called, you knew that was going to happen. So we made a baby check then headed back out to visit a friend that just had her baby 2 weeks ago. On the way of course we stopped to get more booze, my friends are so nice, they kept getting me birthday drinks. So, long story short, we got out around 6, came home around 11 with a fairly decent buzz, only had one run in with the kids, I think it was a good night. I needed it.

I found my way home...

2006-06-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have been migrating back and forth between my parents house and here the last couple of weeks so that is why I have not been posting. Did not want my last post making everyone think I am a completely negative person. Only partially.

My parents are traveling now and it is making me crazy. My dad is working and playing golf in a new city every week so I know he is having fun it just sucks for me. I have never really been away from my parents for very long. There was the 6 months I lived in North Carolina with my first husband. Needless to say the marriage lasted about as long as I lived there. So I am feeling kinda weird and abandoned. I know this is not the case and I just need to grow up. Plenty of people do not live near their parents. I just do not want to be one of them. Irrational I know. One day I will grow up.

My birthday is coming up and it is bothering me. I will be 29. Not terribly old but good god it is almost 30! I am 9 months older than mike and he teases me about this all the time but it really is starting to get to me. He looks young. I do not. Wrinkles are scaring me half to death, even more so than my abnormally large ass. I can lose the ass without surgery, can't lose the wrinkles that way.

Anyways, I am alive, negative as ever. But, fear not, I will be posting more soon!

Mama always said....

2006-06-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

You know the little saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I have adopted this as my blogging motto lately. The way I see it, no one wants to read about someone complaining all the time. At least not unless it is really interesting. Two strikes against me there.

I would love to say that the normalcy of life has not engulfed me but I would be lying. Just a plain old mommy and wife with an attitude problem. In trying my new not complaining so much thing, I have been thinking. About things like the past. How I used to be skinny. Possibly even hot. How Mike and I used to have so much fun.

I know all of this was before kids, and I know there is a way to get it back after kids. Hell, they can add to the fun. Sometimes. What I need to know is how to get motivated enough to do all the things necessary to create a better life for my whole family. I think I may possibly be taking a few steps in the right direction.

I have been cooking more, which means healthier meals. Playing with the kids more which means not yelling so much. Now Mike, there's a lost cause. We are both so busy we never have time for each other. I mean that in the most literal sense. NEVER being key word.

Not to whine, but I really want my husband back. I keep telling myself that December will be here sooner than I think and once he walks across the stage in his cap and gown, he is mine again.

Liar, liar pants on fire...

2006-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Okay. I lied.

I just opened my mail and I am so disappointed I could cry. A few weeks ago I applied for a scholarship at the Y. The letter came today stating we only qualified for a partial scholarship. That would be wonderful if I had some extra money, but, I do not. We are on such a tight budget we are barely squeaking by. I got my hopes all up thinking, wow, I will have something to go and do with the kids! It was all planned out, we would go in the evening when Mike was studying.

My little bubble of hope just burst all to bits.

Whiny Bitch

2006-05-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

That would be me in case anyone had any doubts. My goal this week is to reduce my whining and bitching. There is no reward in the end except self satisfaction. That is all I can afford :)
I am going to try this new thing because hell, nothing else has worked so far. Bitching obviously gets me no where fast.

Mike started summer semester yesterday, and like all good seniors, he put off humanities till last. For those not familiar with humanities, it is art, music, and literature combined. At our wonderful little university 2 semesters of this crap is required to graduate. I am not bitching though, merely stating facts. The professor (he got stuck with the dean of humanities) requires about 160 pages to be read every night. My dear husband reads at a snail's pace, not necessarily a bad thing, just sucks for me. I got to talk to him maybe a total of 15 minutes last night. So, I ask of you, my 3 readers ;) any suggestions on how to speed him up or increase the quality of my 15 minutes? Sex is not an option, kids are awake during dinner.

After my little whinefest yesterday I got out and mowed the back yard, made a decent stir fry and even cleaned a little. I plan to be even more productive today. If my kids cooperate. Speaking of which, Ansley said another dirty word. We were all in bed. Again. She and Joey were jumping up and down and playing. Joey clotheslines her and while she is flat he starts kicking her (I have no idea where they learn this stuff!) they are laughing like a bunch of hyenas and I could barely understand her then she yells that Joey is kicking her ass. She knows this is not a kid word because I ask her again what she said, in a low deep voice "nothing!. I love the way she says that because it sounds more like "nussin". I have the most wonderful foul mouthed little angels. And there is no sarcasm in that statement :)

Big issues...

2006-05-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

And no, I am not referring to my butt.

That was supposed to be funny, well to me it was. There has been chaos on the homefront. As usual. Nothing major, just a bout with hand, foot, and mouth disease, staying at my mom's to watch her house, because you know, gotta watch those houses, don't know what they will do behind your back. But we are home now. Thank god. Being away from your house for a couple of weeks really makes you appreciate it. Even all the mess and the tall grass.

Seriously though, I have some issues that I cannot deal with... Or will not deal with, I do not really know which. I have bitched about staying home a lot lately. It is driving me up the wall that I have been home for 4 years now. Put the kids in daycare? Definitely not an option. For several reasons, the first being my kids' health, they catch everything they are within a mile of, the second, would I really have decent reasons for subjecting my socially anxious children to that? We do not have the money, even if I was working it would be just to pay for daycare. My conscience would kill me. My question is, What do I do to alleviate this feeling? Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids, just not 24/7. Maybe 23/7.

This claustrophobia type fear is making me crazy. Am I going to turn into my mother? That is not a bad thing, she just waits on my dad hand and foot. She cleans the house. She took care of us and even worked at times. This is scaring me because I see these things happening in my house. Getting my husbands clothes ready for work, occasionally ironing, basically waiting on him like my mom did with my dad. The only difference is that it was a socially different time and my dad did hard manual labor. Not that Mike does not work hard, I know his job is stressful, just not physically taxing. Sometimes I just want to scream I am not Donna fucking Reed!

Does anyone really see the job of a stay at home parent as a real job? I think unless you have lived it, you do not. Obviously the breadwinning side of the family takes the credit for a real job. I only chase the kids around, feed them, bathe them, attempt to educate them on top of occasionally cleaning the house, barely maintaining the yard, Oh and I cook too. Physically draining? Nah. Full time job? Are you kidding?

With Mike so close to graduating I am freaking out in a lot of ways. Obviously. We have not decided on grad school yet and the decision needs to be made soon. If he does grad school, more than likely we will have to move off to some faraway state where I will have absolutely no help and have to work more than likely. I do not see him going to school and having time to work, let alone time for us. He has talked about school as far away as california. Even mentioned Wisconsin for some reason or another. I agreed to give him 2 years. I just do not know if I can live this way for another 2 years.

I have been wanting to go to school for so long now. It is looking very dim for me in that area. I am not going to put the kids in daycare to go so either I go at night or wait till they are school age. If we move I will not have time to go at all. I will be in my thirties going back.

Lately I feel stupid on top of all this other stuff I have going on. I just want an education and career that is respected. More so than that, I want money. If I could make money by staying home with the kids and actually be respected, that would be the ideal job. Then I would have enough to pay a housekeeper and occasionally a respected babysitter. Dreams are good right?

Smooth sailing...

2006-05-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

Things lately have been pretty calm. Knock on wood right? We went to see Dora's pirate adventure the other night. A decent show, amazing seats, 2nd row center. Mike and I were sharing jokes concerning Boots and Diego, they were pretty homoriffic. The kids were mesmerized so that is what counts. I was astounded at the prices for everything though, $4 for a sprite, $3 for a little cup of popcorn. I don't even want to get started on the souvenirs!

My surprise party was this past saturday. I had a good turnout. One girl brought a really conservative friend which made things that much more amusing. Everytime a toy was passed to her she turned bright red and almost hid her eyes! I would expect that from a teenager but this is a woman with 4 kids!!!! She knows what that stuff is for. Or at least I hope she does. Overall I had a good time, a few too many margaritas, but that just makes things interesting.

I will not bore you anymore, my life is never without drama so something will happen soon that I need to vent about :)

Allergic to...Everything????

2006-04-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all my bitching and moaning I forgot to post the results of the 2 sets of bloodwork the kids had done. My kids are officially allergic to everything.

Dogs
Cats
Trees
Milk protein
Soy protein
Egg whites
Peanuts

Now what the hell do I feed them? The dogs are okay, being poodles, they do not shed so we are good in that area. No cats so that is good too. The food? I am baffled. The kids were already on what I thought was the most expensive milk out there, lactaid. I was wrong, I went to pick up some "rice dream", sounds yummy right? It was $4 for a half gallon! This wouldn't be so bad but Joey is addicted to milk. Naptime and bedtime are not the same for him without milk. We are milk and diaper poor. We shall figure it out though. Me being optimistic is pretty funny, I think it is the wine talking.

Ohhhhh, big news, for the last 2 nights, the kids have been asleep by 9. I am in heaven!!!!!! My wonderful new pediatrician gave me something to temporarily help them sleep so I could establish a new sleep habit with them relatively painlessly. It is working wonders! This makes the 3rd night and I am hoping that just a week will have them trained and I can ditch the meds, so far so good.

A little hormonal maybe?

2006-04-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have been freaking out a lot lately. The no time thing with mike sucks. The no breaks thing sucks. I am pretty much convinced everything sucks. But me. That's another story for another day though.

Mike is off at his "who is the biggest nerd" competition today. I am such a good wife. I cleaned out my van, inside and out so he could take the nerd herd to Macon today. After I cleaned it, I stopped by a tobacco shop and got him a new kind of tobacco for his pipe (he is soooo refined!). Then, I even went to get energy drinks and snacks for him and his friends. Tell me, are these the actions of a bitter hateful wife? I think not. And no, I was not feeling guilty about what I wrote.

I feel yuck right now so maybe I will write more later. I am noticing I talk to myself a lot.

Mission Impossible

2006-04-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

Does anyone besides me ever fight with their spouse? I realize people do not usually air their dirty laundry, but I know we are not the only couple out there with problems. I am so angry right now! I am a high maintenance wife. I know this, he knows this, where's the problem right? I have to have attention. A lot of it. Affection? Yes, lots. Problem is, I am not getting these things. I turn into a mean, hateful person when this happens. It is like the domino effect. I get ignored, I get mean, he gets pissed off, we fight. It is a vicious cycle.

To be fair, mike has a lot on him right now. Work and school are driving him nuts. To be fair to myself, I stay home, with both kids and do not get a lot of socialization. He says he needs a break, he is constantly working. What am I doing? I NEVER and I mean never get to leave my job. He may come home and help, but I am still here and still doing "my job". There will never be a happy medium or compromise because we cannot understand how each other feels.

I called him at work this afternoon, just to chat for a minute, I was in a good mood, and he tells me he has to leave for school in a few minutes and does not have time to talk, he has to finish something. Okay. Am I allowed to be upset about this or am I being petty? This comes after a weekend of him doing homework and afternoons when he gets home doing homework. I know that stuff has to be done, but I make time for him. All I really want is a few minutes of conversation and maybe a few hugs and kisses. Too much to ask? I guess right now it is.

* He just called to apologize.

I'm stoned....

2006-04-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today was an odd day. My lovely potty trained little girl decided to become un-trained. I was sitting in my big chair on the laptop, reading blogs of course, when I smell something. You all have vivid enough imaginations to guess what it may be. She comes up to me and says "mommy I pooped". What the hell???? Why do they backslide?

I cleaned her up then sat her down to talk to her, calmly I might add. I asked her why she was having accidents. Her response? "I'm stoned". Now, where she came up with this one is a mystery. My husband and I haven't touched pot in like 7 or 8 years. We do not talk about getting stoned, nor does anyone I know... I think. Anyways, I call my dear husband and calmly inform him of our daughters new word all the while wondering where she heard it. Just to be sure I heard right, I asked again. Same response.

Now I may say the f word and some other expletives that she has repeated, and I know that is MY fault. I could almost care less about her saying damn, or shit, or even the f bomb. It is this one that worries me the most. Is that crazy? First I worry about how or where she heard it, second, what if she says it out in public? When I asked her where she heard that word, she said me. Ummm, NO!

Margarita monday!

2006-04-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's a monday. Typical monday. Not too typical, I have had 2 margaritas. That is a lot for a weekday night. Not to mention I have a heavy handed pour when making drinks. I just never learned the art of a drink with a mere one or two shots. What is the point? I know you drink for taste with wine, or at least I do, but tequila? There is only one reason to drink tequila. It can be as horrid or as pleasant as you want it to be. Kinda breaks down my inhibitions. I rocked my cranky whiny kicking son to sleep without fussing at him, a plus for us both. My usually whiny at bedtime daughter is not getting on my nerves, I think I need to drink margaritas more often! Now if I could tear my husband away from his laptop, aka girlfriend, I might have a good night.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

2006-04-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

Umm, maybe not petrified but frozen! We went to the beach this past week. A freakin cold ass dirty teenager beach. The one week out of the year that we get a vacation, free of course, it is like 60 degrees tops! Everyone knows that Myrtle Beach is always warm for spring break. Obviously it was not.

This was the kids' first beach trip, that they can remember anyway. Ansley had a hard time comprehending the beach. "But we need a sandbox to go with our pail and shovel". She was in awe when she saw it. Joey, he screamed. But what's new with that right?

It was maybe 50 degrees when we got there, but of course, we still go put our feet in the water because I guess that is just what you do when you go to the beach. It was the coldest I think I have ever felt on a beach. In the south. A few years back, Mike took me up north, my first time, and took me to Hampton beach. I thought it was pretty, big rocks, good breeze, people out in the water, this was August mind you, so I go running into the water and about have a heart attack it is so cold. It was worse than ice water. Myrtle Beach in April is not supposed to feel like a northern beach. It is supposed to feel like bathwater. Gross I know, but I have heard a lot of northerners refer to it that way.

The kids did adjust to the temperature, and we had a blast playing on the beach. Mike actually took Ansley out to ride the waves, she came back a little blue, but it was wonderful watching them. Joey eventually got comfortable enough to want to play in the water and shell hunt with me. We built many sand castles, most of which were destroyed by "baby king kong". I built a little iraq, I had a good little village going, then everyone decided to bomb it. Mike was going for a sand toilet but it just never quite looked right.

There were of course lots of little hookers with a never ending supply of drooling tards with booming systems trying to get laid. I guess that is what we get for going to myrtle beach. I was just amazed at the little hookers walking around in bikinis in 50 degree weather. Something else that stunned me was that either girls are just super easy or guys are just total tards, I guess they thought yelling at a girl is enough to get her to drop her bikini bottoms and bend over. Which from the looks of things, that is all it took. I told mike I will beat Ansley's ass if she ever gives it up to a tard like the ones there. I will also beat Joey's ass if he ever acts like that trying to get laid. I have a good while before I have to start worrying about that though.

I am officially a murderer now. Mike was digging in the beach during low tide and found a beautiful shell, a huge one, complete with icky critter inside. We wanted to keep it since it was the biggest shell we have found, so we put the critter in Ansley's pail with some sand and water, it lived. And lived. So finally it is time for us to pack up to come home and no one knows what to do with the critter. Mike wusses out on me so I have to murder it. I did the only thing I know to kill sea creatures. Boiling water. I felt horrible. It is no worse than boiling a lobster right? That is what I tried to tell myself anyway.

Overall, we had a good time. Of course I was jealous of the little hookers in their bikinis. I was the typical big fat mom in the supreme coverage tankini complete with swim skirt. I did forget about that long enough to have fun, so I guess that is what counts.

Temper tantrum...

2006-04-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

Better known as mommy needs a really big drink. Right now I think I need a huge glass of something with a high alcohol content. Today started out good. Played with the kids outside, jumped on the trampoline. Had an uneventful lunch. Started to clean the kids room and lost track of time, before I know it, naptime is here. Started rocking Joey and everything was fine. At first anyway. He picks his head up, throws his cup on the floor and starts screaming. Not the average I am just pissed off kind, it is the neighbors are gonna call the cops because you are killing me kind. I keep on rocking, trying to ignore it. All of the sudden he slams his little head into my face. Now he has an abnormally hard head. My cheekbone is throbbing and I would bet money I am gonna have a black eye. Not to mention one of my teeth now feels loose.

I wanted to slap the shit out of him but I guess mommies have a built in mechanism to hold the arm back. That sounds horrible I know. I would never hurt my children. For any reason. I just do not know how to handle things like this. Joey keeps having severe temper tantrums. Like 2-3 hour screaming at the top of his lungs tantrums. This is making me crazy because he is usually my good sweet child. They are both sweet, Joey is just still "baby" sweet. Well, was. He is 18 months old, does something just change in boys? It is like he is a different child.

I feel responsible for his behavior because of the MDO thing. He still will not let me out of his sight. He is starting to ease up when I take Ansley. He wants to play on the playground with the older kids, not stay with the kids his age. He is still not attending the new MDO, but I am hoping he will get to the point that he wants to. Ansley absolutely adores her new "school" but even she keeps saying she does not ever want to go back to her old school. I hope the trauma caused by the old teachers is not a factor in Joey's behavior now.

We go to the doctor friday to get the results of the kids' bloodwork. I am nervous and anxious. At the same time I am glad the doctor went ahead and did it. I will post what the doctor says. I think now I need a percocet and a few shots.

My handywork

2006-04-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

My photograpy skills are lacking but you can see the basic idea. I made this cornice board a couple months ago and just finally got it up. What do you guys think?

ADD anyone?

2006-04-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

Went to the doctor this past week. Mike and I were both sick, I guess for all intents and purposes still are, but whatever, it is the upper respiratory snot thing. We got our antibiotics and decongestants and we are doing a little better. We did ask him about handling stress and depression, see, mike and I both came off of our antidepressants a while back, I hated it. Made me feel like I did not feel anything. I just did not give a shit and I had no sex drive. For most people this would be okay, not me. So, I explained what all was going on and how I was feeling, the doctor told me we were not the "typical" candidates for an antidepressant. We know why we are stressed and we know what is causing the depression and we really cannot change any of those things right now, so he said we need to focus. Makes sense to me. He prescribed Ritalin LA. So far so good. I have definitely been more focused, had a shitload more energy and I think it may be what I needed. Mike definitely needed it, he is so close to graduating and his grades are suffering this semester. Not that they are bad, my husband is just a perfectionist with an awesome GPA. If all goes as expected, he will graduate in December and the stress levels for us both will just about disappear! Once he graduates, I get to go to school. I am ready for it. I have blogged before about feeling stupid, and I feel more so right now than I ever have. I believe going back to school will help that tremendously. Well, I have rambled long enough for now :)

Ever feel like an ass?

2006-03-30T06:07:00.000-08:00

I have some good news. I switched pediatricians. The kids are now going to my old pediatrician. He is a wonderful doctor, I just have one small problem. I cannot freaking understand the man. Okay, so I do have a little bit of an excuse, I am partially deaf but that really has nothing to do with why I do not understand him. He has a severely thick accent. Of what I thought was Spanish. He gives Ansley a shot and she is crying so I try to take her mind off of it and tell her to start telling me what color things are in Spanish. He laughs at me and tells me she will have to teach him because he doesn't know it either! So what do I feel like now????

More good news about the pediatrician. This will be Ansley's 3rd pediatrician. I was going over her history with him and he was telling me that because she was premature and had severe jaundice, she could be lacking some immune system enzyme. I was like, about damn time! They did all kinds of bloodwork on the kids and we go back in 10 days to get the results. It was really comforting to hear him say that there is no reason my kids should be this sick all the time and that he would find out what is causing this. He is the one who diagnosed my sister with cold urticaria, she was either the first or second person in the US to be diagnosed with this and he found it, so that looks like a good sign to me. I know, why did I not start the kids out with him? Because I am hardheaded. In a big way.

Little sailor link

2006-03-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

Here is the link to my little sailor's song:

http://www.ubastid.com/Sounds.html

I think you have to have quicktime. I am not a nerd, so I don't know.

Hope you don't think too badly of me for finding this funny :)

It's my party....

2006-03-26T06:41:00.000-08:00

And I am gonna get smashed! Well, maybe not smashed but I intend to have a good time. I finally scheduled another surprise party. So, for those of you that read my blog that would like to attend:

Saturday April 29th @ 5pm

I made it early so my out of town friends will not have to drive all night.

Yes, I have friends! I know what you were thinking ;)

My little sailor

2006-03-21T16:22:00.000-08:00

Mike took the kids to bed the other night and let me take a nice long bath and have a glass of wine, which by the way, I have hit a goldmine as far as wine is concerned, with me anyways. I will get back to that in a minute. I get to the bedroom all nice and relaxed and see my kids jumping up and down on the bed and my precious little girl singing at the top of her lungs. I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. Mike apparently knocked a glass of water off of the nightstand and said "shit" rather loudly, so upon hearing this, my darling foul mouthed little girl proceeds to make up her own lyrics.

"we're gonna have a shit shit party! A shit shit party! Cockadoodledoo! A shit party!"

Creative, I know. My dearest husband makes a grab for his ipaq and records her nice little ballad. I wish I knew how to upload it, I will make him put it on his website tomorrow. Now how do you reprimand your child while laughing? I tried so hard not to laugh but I just couldn't stop.
After I calmed down I tried to explain to her that good little girls do not say that word. She did not believe me.

Now I am not a bad person, I do everything I can for people less fortunate than myself and even those better off, but is it wrong of me to let my kids say what they want? At home of course. So far we have not really had to reprimand her in public. She only says things at home. My husband grew up without too many restraints on language (Boston area), so of course you know every 3rd word out of his mouth is foul. I, however grew up in the south, where there is a Baptist church on every corner and I never said much of anything that even seemed like a curse word. At home anyway. To this day I rarely, if ever, use even mild language around my parents. Which is odd considering my dad has a sailors vocabulary. She comes by it honestly.

Now onto the wine, It is a Moscato Di'Asti by La Serra. It is like heaven. It is cheap, around 13 bucks at Sam's club. I know, I know, "she buys wine at sam's???". They actually have some good deals. I found a chardonnay by grigich hills that I paid 40 some odd dollars for at a wine shop for 20 something at sam's. I am a huge fan of sweet wines, so I normally lean toward the german or italian varieties. I am sure there are other good ones out there, I just do not have the finances to experiment too much. The Moscato Di'Asti is very smooth, no bite and just sweet enough... I will never be a wine connoisseur but I sure do enjoy the stuff. It tends to make me a much more fun mother and wife.

We did it! We did it! We did it hooray!

2006-03-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

Well, we finally did it.

No, not sex you dirty perverts :) We finally took the bottles away! Last night was our first bottle free night. It has now been a full 24 hours with no bottles. I am so freaking amazed it is not even funny.

Now, if we can get Joey out of diapers and Ansley out of diapers at night, we will have accomplished a mild version of freedom. Ansley has been doing great, no diapers during the day for quite some time now. She hates pull ups, she wants her big girl panties. I have to admit, I have a thing for buying underwear. For everyone. I lost a little of the excitement with buying mine because I just need to go down a size or two. But so far, I love GAP underwear for Ansley. I have to totally shrink them, but they are so cute!!!!!

Ohhhhh, I forgot to mention it, I got a mini van!!!! I am mobile again! It is of course a new to me van, but it looks great inside and out. We lucked up. We paid a lot less than it is worth and did I mention I am mobile again??? Now all I need is a red sox tag for the front and I am set to go.

Those of you with Dora obsessed children will most definitely appreciate this, I got 2nd row center seats to Dora's pirate adventure! We have not told the kids yet. I want it to be a surprise. We did splurge a little, but the kids have not really gotten anything lately and they have never been to a live show.

Since the van did not cost as much as we expected, we had a little left over from the tax return. So some went into savings... Oh wait, we actually have a savings account now! I got the Dora tickets and now the kids need summer shoes. There is a store called goody two shoes here and they get amazing deals on stride rites, I got Joey's summer sneakers for 12 bucks! Okay so anyways it is blatantly obvious that spending money makes me happy, but I have been happy for about a week now. The weather has something to do with it I am sure. That, and my wonderful husband and children. I swear, no sarcasm this time :)

Spring is in the air...

2006-03-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Which means more doctor visits but you know what? That is okay. It is like 75 and sunny here. Everyone is mowing their lawn and the kids can play outside. At least for a few minutes anyway. I am all over the place with my mental state but up is better than down I suppose.

I can't wait for the kids to be able to jump on the trampoline they got for christmas. We want to get their playhouse set up in the backyard, because right now it is on my front porch so we look even more white trash than we really are, but that is beside the point. It is warm. It is sunny. It is gorgeous. You just have to be up when the weather is like this.

*I did a little research on the bastards mentioned in my last post, they are truly sick people. It is a person's right to choose whether or not they have children, and I respect whatever decision is made, however, do not criticize those that have children just for having them. Have a legitimate reason if you must do so.

2006-02-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here thinking, how in the world do I begin this post. My cousin, whom I have always considered to be one of my best friends, sent me this link.

http://gyxe.com/childfree/10-043-a-blog-confessions-of-a-sahm-read.shtml

I will say this, Eric, you do not have kids, until you do, you will never understand.

The past few years have been some of the hardest my family and I have ever had to endure. Yes, I did have post partum. Yes, I was self-centered. Any one that has had post partum will know, no one else can go through it with you. So, logic tells me, "gee, you might be a little self centered". What the fuck people? I had 2 people that were very close to me die during this same time period. I guess people do not count those emotions. When I wrote about my uncle, it was heartfelt. I know he did not have the life he wanted. He wanted all the stresses and love a family can give. Also, a child with a sleep disorder and multiple illnesses. Does anyone think this may be stressful? I wrote this before, and I am writing it again, if you are with someone 24/7, be it your child or a "beloved" spouse, yes, you are going to get sick of them and need a break. Doesn't mean you love them any less or regret having them or being with them. Just means you are human.

My blog is exactly that, mine. It is mine to whine, bitch, and complain as much as I want. I have very few outlets as it is, why fuck with this one? It takes a sad, sick person to dissect my crappy little corner of the internet. Obviously they are missing something.

Pills, pills, pills

2006-02-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

Again, I cannot see anything in the little box where I type, so we will see how this goes. Took the kids to the doctor again yesterday. Of course, they are sick. What should be any different about last week or the week before? We got more meds. Now Ansley is on, pulmicort, xopenex, singulair, nasonex, atuss ms, and zithromax. Worse than a 90 year old person isn't it?

She has fluid in her right lung and Joey has croup. The doctor said Joey is dangerously close to being hospitalized. He is on orapred, a hideous steroid that turns him into a little hellion. I am at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. My kids always stay sick, always has to do with their lungs. What am I doing wrong??? I hate seeing them suffer. Does anyone else have this problems? I have done everything the asthma specialist said to do so I am clueless now. I can't sick back and let my kids suffer, I know there has got to be something out there to help them.

Gettin' smashed, try #2

2006-02-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I cannot see anything in the box I am typing, so this sucks. I like to read as I type. I am slow like that I guess. anyway, I am a liittle tipsy, 151 will do that to you. I keep losing ttrack of what I am typing and I wanted to say so much but this is really just pissing me off. I am going to post and try again later if I am not to drunk to type.

Gettin' smashed! Try #1

2006-02-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

Either blogger is fucking up or I am drunk already.

Jealous maybe?

2006-02-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Ever read a blog and think how in the world can they complain? Got a part time nanny, cleaning lady, Ipods, big SUVs. I have none of these things. I am jealous. I am guessing poor people just do not blog, if they do, I have not found them. People whose income is under 50,000. These are the people I need to connect with. I really wonder if there are people out there doing it the hard way like my family.

Reality is definitely telling me we did this backwards, you know, kids before the college degrees and steady careers. We had our kids young. Well, not too young, first one at 25. Which means we will be young enough to connect with them when they are older, I think that is very important. Things are hard now but eventually I know it will get easier. One day we are going to have nice cars, a big beautiful house that I get to design and hopefully happy unspoiled children. Okay okay, we will settle for slightly spoiled children. Even with our income now we spoil them a little. Jealousy is not a good thing and I know life is not about material things.

Green bean kisses and poopie stick swirls

2006-02-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

My kids amaze me everyday. I do not always write about the good stuff and I should. For every bit that I bitch about them, I love them tens of thousands of times more.

The night before last, I made a crappy dinner of green beans and hot dogs, I haven't been feeling the greatest lately, so anyways, Ansley leans over with a mouth full of green beans and kisses Mike on the cheek, then does the same to Joey and me. Melts my heart when she does that, but then she grins and tells us she gave us green bean kisses. They are good for us. And she is right. I had been feeling pretty crappy all day and then she makes me smile. She is good at that, they both are.

Joey has been going to the potty a good bit lately, which is good, now if I can get them both out of diapers we might be able to afford another car. Ha! One day right? Speaking of the potty, last night we were all laying in bed watching family guy (nothing like a little quality family time right?) and Ansley says she has to go potty NOW. So Mike takes her and I can hear their conversation, they are discussing the size of her "poopie sticks" . She is rather fond of that name. Well, Mike comes in the room and is like, "you gotta see that thing, it is a foot long!". Well, then we all had to march to the bathroom to see her accomplishments. She makes a big deal out of flushing, as well she should, she is only 3. She stands there and watches her poopie sticks swirl, then says "look mommy its swirling". I did not even know she knew what swirl meant.

The kids are definitely a lot smarter than I give them credit for, But everyone thinks their kids are smart right?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ME?

2006-02-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is going on with my life. I try to lead a decent life and be good and kind to others, in fact I do a good bit to help others. I wonder why then my life just keeps getting worse? I know things could always be worse than they are and I am grateful it is not as bad as it could be, so what do I do now to make it better?

We are obviously poor. Both of our piece of shit cars died in the last couple of weeks, which leads us to beg and borrow from those that feel sorry for us. Mike of course has to drive to work and school every day, I have to drive the kids to the doctor, literally every other day. We have no extra money, and I am wondering just how we are going to get another car. We were going to use our tax return, but, I don't think we are going to get very much back this year.

The state somehow always manages to fuck us and of course, this year is no exception. I bought my piece of shit 2 years ago. 1600 cash. I know I could not expect much for this, so I am grateful it lasted this long, but anyways, I paid sales tax when I bought the car, the state is telling me I did not. So now I am being hit with like a $500 penalty. I have proof that I paid, and they have been letting me pay my ad valorem taxes every time I renew my tag, so what the hell?

You know what, if you are still reading this, I am going to stop complaining now. Really, I promise. My next post will be a happy one.

2006-02-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

Things have not exactly picked up lately, but you know what, I am okay with that. Ansley came through with flying colors the day of her surgery. She was an absolute angel(as if MY child would be anything else). The dentist did not have to remove any teeth, thank god, all she had to do was buff them out and do a couple tiny composite fillings.

This week however has not been too "lovely". As if you couldn't tell. Again, concerning Ansley, we had 2 ER visits and a hospital stay this past weekend. One day I am going to learn the secret to healthy children. She is doing much better now but I was a bundle of nerves all weekend. I had to cancel my surprise party, with good reason of course, ansley+hospital= good reason.

I am gritting my teeth lately but I know things are going to get better. They have to. I feel like a crazy woman writing this, picture some woman chain smoking and wearing slippers and a robe.... Although I do not smoke or wear slippers or a robe either. That is just the image that pops into my head. Guess maybe I might be a little loopy. But if you are reading this and sympathizing, you may be too :)

Scared

2006-01-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

Babykins goes in at 6 in the morning for surgery. This will be the 2nd time in her short little life that she has been under anesthesia. She has dental caries. And I feel like a horrible mother. The dentist did make me feel a little better about the situation, he said that most of her dental problems were formed in utero. I had an awful pregnancy and was on so much medication and my blood pressure was out of sight, and apparently this causes bad teeth in infants. The bottle does not help however.

I 95% of the time only put water or crystal light in the bottle, but I know it is time for her to get rid of it. It just breaks my heart because she has no other security thing like a blanket or bear. The bottle is it. I have been told the best way to get her off the bottle is to get Joey man off as well. I feel bad about this because he is only 16 months old and like his big sister, his bottle is his security.

These horrendous thoughts keep creeping into my head. I know she is going to be fine but I am so worried. They were explaining all the procedures to me today and I am just so scared for her. I don't want her to hurt. Not that any normal parent does want their child to hurt. It's just that she is only 3! She should not be having to deal with this so soon.

New additions to the family!

2006-01-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs pets. My little family just needs lots of them. What was supposed to be a little family outing to petsmart, to get Brownie (guinea pig) a bigger cage, turned into a "we need more animals!" adventure. Of course since brownie outgrew her cage, we could not get rid of the too-small cage, we just got 2 long haired hamsters to fill it. So, now we have: Trixie, Junior, Brownie, Pepper and Ginger. We wanted to name the hamsters ginger and soy, but Ansley insisted on Pepper for the blond hamster and Ginger for the dark brown one. Go figure.

I have always been an animal lover. My dad used to refer to our house as a petting zoo. At one time I think I had 2 snakes, 1 iguana, 2 hedgehogs, 1 squirrel and an aquarium with fish and fire newts. That is not counting my dogs at the time. I hope my kids grow up to love animals as much as I do. I just love taking care of things.... that cannot take care of themselves. Sounds like a total contradiction to everything I bitch about I know, but what can I say? I do love little creatures.

Not in the mood

2006-01-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't been in the mood to blog lately. Things have been so crazy and I have been so mean I figure why write about it. Things are looking up, I just cannot seem to get happy about it. All the little projects I have been putting off are getting done, slowly but surely. The house is staying cleaner. We are disciplining the little hellions more. It seems all I can think about is me, me, me!

Speaking of not in the mood, are you ever really intimate again after 2 kids? I told Mike last night that there is no way to be a parent and be married or have a significant other. At least I haven't found a way. There is never any time alone anymore. The time we do get is 2-4 hours here and there, and usually it is for doctor's appointments and other shit that has to get done. Not time spent in a cozy little restaurant without worry, to come home and snuggle, maybe watch a movie. We forgot what that was like. Granted, my mom did babysit the other night, but here again, we wondered during dinner what time mom was going to call, was everything okay.... You know the routine. I know my mom is perfectly capable of handling my children, they adore her. It just seems no one ever wants them for more than a short period of time.

For someone not in the mood, I am pretty crazy to be having a "surprise" party. That is coming up in a few weeks and I am trying to make sure my house looks decent. No one, and I mean no one ever comes over to my house so it is a big deal to have a huge group of women, more than likely frustrated ones at that, over here to scrutinize my humble little home. Hopefully though the attention will not be on my house but on the lady standing up in the front of my living room with a tool belt on containing various sexual instruments. We will see.

Leave me alone

2006-01-01T23:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like shouting this a hundred times a day. I feel like screaming get the fuck off of me. But I don't. Right now I am typing one handed because I have to keep one arm around Ansley. Just to keep her quiet. What the hell is wrong with me and my children? I cannot understand what I am doing to make the kids so fucking clingy. It is 2 am and I am sitting here watching spongebob. I was in bed. With Mike and Joey and Ansley. Almost asleep with Ansley laying on me, sounds comfortable right? Ansley starts fussing so I have to get up. Because Mike has to get up in a few hours. Well, news flash, Joey will probably wake up when Mike wakes up. So where does this leave me? With about 3-5 hours sleep at most. Gee, and I wonder why I am a bitch....

Missing Mona

2005-12-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

I don't really know how to put my feelings into words right now. My heart hurts and I feel like I am not even worthy of these feelings. We had to put our dog, Mona, to sleep today. It was something we had been putting off for a long time.

Mona came to live with us almost 6 years ago. I went to walmart with my mom one Saturday morning and there happened to be a little girl with a puppy in a box sitting in the parking lot on the way to my car. The puppy had a big pink bow tied around her neck and she looked beautiful. I had no intentions of doing anything but stopping to pet her and the little girls mom told me they were about to take her to the pound. I could not knowingly let that happen.

At this time we had just bought our house and just installed the doggy door for the poodles, so it was tiny, just like the new addition. We decided to name her Mona, I just liked the name and her eyes looked wiser than her years so the name fit. She was too young to have been taken away from her mother so we had to blend up puppy food for her, she did not even really have teeth yet. She was so small she fit into the palm of my hand. The vet told us she would grow into a large dog, I don't think we believed him. She did though. I think at her heaviest she was around 60 pounds.

Mona believed she was small, just like Junior and Trixie. It was quite comical to watch her jump into Mike's lap and want to cuddle. Mike taught her to give hugs, to hold a beer bottle, all the things man's best friend does. She was supposed to be my baby but turned out to be Mike's. She captured his heart as soon as he saw her. He had a special bond with her. She was amazing with the kids, they climbed on her, gave her kisses, and she loved it all.

It broke my heart even more to watch him sitting on the floor in the vet's office just holding her and crying. We both held her while they gave her the shot and neither one of us could barely drive home. She has not even been gone a day and already I miss her.

I was doing laundry last night and I came across her sweater. It hurt so much just to see it, now comes the question, do I keep it? Nothing of hers will ever bring her back and no words will ever describe what kind of dog she was, my writing does little to truly describe her and what she was to this family. I hope she knows how much she was loved and forgives me for having to make the decision I did.

School picture time!

2005-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe my baby has had her first school pictures!

5 AM

2005-12-12T02:50:00.000-08:00

It is fucking 5 AM in the morning. And I am up. Why you ask? My precious little snot Joey was ready to get out of bed. He is happily sucking on a milk bottle and watching family guy. I know, I know. Not exactly the ideal kids show. But you know what? It keeps them quiet! I even think my daughter has a crush on stewie... Always wants to watch the "stewie with janet" episode.

You know what time I went to sleep? Around 2 ish. God, you know I am tired if I start using the ish thing. This reminds me of why I started this blog. Ansley had night terrors pretty bad, No, not from watching family guy. She also had a severe dislike for sleeping. Actually still does. But being up all night with no one to talk to except toddlers who really just want an excuse to watch TV led to this.

Oh! Big news, I stopped taking my antidepressant! Watch out, the hubby thinks I am mean as hell without it. I just think he forgot who he married, that's all. I think I have always been abnormally sarcastic.

Had a weird experience the other night. We were at wally world, doing the grocery shopping, when of course, my kid has to go potty. She is obsessed with public potties, totally unlike her mother. While I was leaning over, strapping her back into the stroller, mike says to our friend who always goes to walmart with us "dude! Quit looking down my wife's shirt! What the hell is wrong with you?" This guy is a good friend of ours, and happens to be a virgin. Which I guess is why he felt the need to look at mommy boobies. Still, I feel really gross and in a way violated. Am I weird? Discussed this with my parents, and my father informs me that all men look when it is available. Not to hold it against him. I am finding this to be a difficult situation. Oh well, I am getting tired of balancing a toddler on my arms while typing....

NO more steroids!!!!!

2005-12-06T13:06:00.001-08:00

Things have been wild. I mean ridiculously wild with me lately. Dumbass me forgot to pay the gas bill and they cut my gas off. Oh, and it takes 3-4 business days to have your service restored. Not to mention the fucking 200.00 they want in addition to the 154.00 I owed them, to turn it back on. So, we have been staying at my parents house, don't want the kids to freeze you know. It is time for me to go back home. I miss my house.

Ansley has been on prednisone for a week now and it is killing me. It is making her into a mean little shit. She is hitting and kicking and biting. Not that my kid is an angel or anything but this above and beyond her normal level of mean. We made it to the asthma and allergy specialist, and of course, Ansley has asthma. Which is why she was on the prednisone. She now has to take 2 different meds daily but I have seen a huge difference already. Maybe this will mean no hospital stays this winter. I can hope.

Where oh where have I been...

2005-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

Wish I could answer that. Things are crazy, like usual. I have come to the realization that I am a chronic whiner. With good reason. I rarely get a break from my mommyitis infected kids. Staying home is starting to get to me. Since I had Joeyman I feel like I have not been myself. At this point I feel like all the pills in the world would not help. It is really not the kids, I think it is me. Being the hypochondriac I am, I looked up the symptoms I am having and it feels like it could be one of two things. Postpartum depression or hypothyroidism. I suppose it could be both. But, I guess I should leave the diagnosis to the doctors. Whom I would visit if I had health insurance or the money to pay for a visit. That is another post altogether.

I asked my husband for a little time to write as this is my time to vent, and the kids keep crawling all over me, hitting the keys on the laptop and I just want to hit him. Not the kids, him. I know this is wrong. He really is a good husband, I know he has a lot of pressure this semester and working on top of that is taking its toll on him. And our relationship.

It takes a lot of effort to make a marriage work. Being a stay at home mom, I am not contributing to our income, nor am I advancing my education. Which is eating me alive. I am doing something that makes all my craziness worthwhile. I am there for my children.

My inadequacies as a mother smother me. I try to be everything to them. With me not being happy, I feel like I am not being all I can for them. They did not ask to be brought into this world so it is my responsibility to make it worthwhile for them. I wish I knew just how to get across to everyone, including my husband, what my life is like. What I feel. The things I want to change. My kids are smart and beautiful and they really do brighten my day. I just want a little time away. That is the part no one understands. I am told that everyone has to deal with this. Mike and I butt heads on this issue constantly. He is away a lot with school and work, and a large part of his time spent at home is doing schoolwork. I know this is to benefit us as a family. It still doesn't ease my stress. I try to get him to understand that he does get away from his job and school. I never get away from mine. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a huge vacation or anything, just some regularly scheduled me time. I know he does not get that much, but he does get away from me and the kids sometimes more than 12 hours a day. Am I wrong?

Back to the inadequacies, I am a horrible housekeeper. I mean bad. I try, I really do. Just try loading a dishwasher with a toddler trying to crawl in it at the same time. Not a good thing. I hate laundry and have a severe excess of it to take care of.... I am thinking of just parking my garbage can outside my bedroom window and just tossing it all out. I haven't missed it anyway.

Babykins is screaming right now because I will not hold her. I can't though. I need this time desperately. All I can think is what the hell is wrong with me? I am a mother and a wife and I am not supposed to feel like this. I should be happy. I have a moderately healthy, happy family. We have a roof over our heads, that we own. We do not have hardly any money but, money does not equal happiness.... Or so I am told.

Beyotch!

2005-11-17T17:09:00.000-08:00

My daughter seems to think this is a good name for me. As I calmly tell her to let go of her little brother's head, she tells me in her most authoritative voice, "no you beyotch!". I promptly get off my fat behind to reprimand her. I tell her that good little girls do not call their mommy and daddy names. To which she replies, "no beyotch". What do I do????

Illness abounds

2005-11-17T05:58:00.000-08:00

Just when it starts getting cold here my kids get sick and stay sick. Babykins has pneumonia, has been on antibiotics for the last 3 months. She had to go for chest xrays and blood work yesterday. And I wanted to kill the office staff of her pediatrician. I adore the pediatrician. The office staff sucks monkey butt.

The hospital said her results would be available immediately. Now I know they are not always prompt. But I called the doctor 4 freaking times. The nurse put me on hold for 15 fucking minutes the last time and I hung up to call back and they already had their answering service on. So, what do I do? I send my wonderful husband who is not as vicious as I when it comes to issues like this, to the office to demand to speak to the doctor.

I would have made my displeasure apparent but he did not, he did however get the info about our child which IS more important than my fussing about the office staff but my kids' care is at stake here! This is not the first time I have had issues with his staff. Anyways, I just want my kids to feel better.

Belated halloween photos

2005-11-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

Dontcha love the pink hair? The things I do to make my kids happy.

My little pumpkins

2005-11-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, my title is gay. I know that. But every parent has to brag.

These are from my annual pumpkin patch outings. I drag my kids here every year. Can't you tell how thrilled they are?

Am I just dumb?

2005-11-09T06:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent a little while reading blogs while rocking the kids, and I realized something. I am dumb. Everyone has such a witty and eloquent writing style. Every one but me that is. I long for education now. It has been almost 3 years since I have held a job outside the home or attended school of any kind. Adult interaction is something I need desperately. My daughter is benefiting from this of course, how many other 2 year olds do you know that can have a conversation with several 3 & 4 syllable words and actually use them in the right context? My kids are treated like little adults. With toys. I just cannot bring myself to talk down to them or use dumbed down words. Here lately though I am lacking in the vocabulary department. Seems to me that everyone is using "bigger" words than I am, of course I do understand and comprehend, I just feel very uneducated. Like I am lacking something everyone else has. Maybe I am thinking about all of this because I want to go back to school. I have ran out of time on the hardship deferment on my student loans so, I either go back to school or pay them 150.00 a month. What would you do?

No sense at all

2005-11-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

I have been in a weird mood lately. Been taking the pills so that is not it. Kids are still sick. Poor babies. I have been tired and Mike has had homework galore. The house is kinda closing in on me. There is so much I want and need to do. Money is tight. My dog is sick. I gained like 20 pounds in the past 2 months. It is amazing what stress will do to you. Where to start?

I told you guys my stress really quadrupled with the addition of special A. I guess I started eating then. Like eating all the damn time. Now I am a big girl and not ashamed of that, but I was so happy that I was under my pre-baby weight. I was around 190. Now to some of you that is totally unfathomable (is that a word?) but I have big bones. Around 160 I look my best. Very curvy and healthy looking. I need to post pics so you guys can see and tell me if I am delusional. When I went with Mike to the doctor I stepped on the scales and I freaked out and almost started crying when it said 213. I noticed my pants were getting tight and my shirts were just not looking right with the baby gut poking out, I just had no idea I gained that much! I need much support and advice so I do not become bulimic, anorexia would never work because I love food too much.

I started this post earlier today and a lot has happened in just a few short hours. Just after I get up this morning I get a call from my mom, asking me to come over that she and my dad have to talk to me. This is never a good thing. I went through this before. They inform me they are separating. Yay, one more thing to add to the pile. Amazingly enough, I am still smiling even though every word I have typed is bitching. Maybe that is why, I am getting out all the frustrations on the keyboard.

Friday night I attended a surprise party. Those are always fun. Got some new toys. What is pretty bad though is that the hostess took me aside and asked me what toys I thought were worth it since I have just about everything. I have this collection because of the parties I have held, everyone wants to come to a surprise party. So I am having a surprise party in Feb, just before Valentines day. It really is a lot of fun to get the girls together and laugh.

This makes my 4th freakin attempt to finish this post. Fuck it.

Nerd convention 2005!

2005-10-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

I am finally getting around to writing about the nerd competition. For those of you not familiar with my blog, my husband is a computer science major. He is also the treasurer for the ACM club, aka Nerd club. Now, Mike is not your typical game playin, neverleavethebasement type of nerd. When I met him he had the spikey bleached blonde hair and liked band t-shirts and smoking pot. Thankfully he ditched the pot in favor of me and I slowly depleted his band shirts and replaced them with shirts I found suitable. He was a nerd in disguise. I totally love his nerdiness. It is something of a turn on. I think maybe I just find intelligence attractive. Anyways, he recently attended an ACM competition in Melbourne, Florida. We had to check in on Friday night, and boy was I in for a surprise.

When I think of a nerd, I think of someone like my husband, intelligent, attractive, humorous, likes women.... Boy, I was wrong! There must have been at least 500 nerds there. Very, very few women. It was a total sausage fest. Boring, unattractive sausage at that. Some of these guys looked like they had not seen daylight in years! Some of them looked like their mothers still dressed them. Some of them looked like they wished their mothers had dressed them. It was just amazing to me that people like that existed. I am also guessing that the vast majority there were virgins. Not that there is anything wrong with being a virgin but I think they would prefer a computer over a woman.

Anyways, long story with no point. I was just amazed. I really thought the revenge of the nerd types were a myth. Here again, I was wrong. They are alive and well, and will probably earn double or triple the average mans salary. Hopefully my husband will.

Ding dong the bitch is gone!

2005-10-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

It has been one hell of a month for us. So much has been happening and I don't know where to begin. Okay, first thing, she is GONE! Remember the cousin no one wanted? Well, I now know why. For someone who is supposedly slow, she sure is sneaky and conniving. Not to mention, nerve racking. It is so hard to describe just what my life has been like recently.

"Special A" came to live with us in august. We thought we were doing a good thing. I thought maybe she might be some help to me with the kids and Mike and I would be good mentors for her. WRONG, oh, how wrong I was. "A" had no money, no major possessions, no manners or morals... The list goes on. We made the trip to the social security office to see if we could apply for disability for her, well, that takes 120 days before you find out if you are approved or not. In the meantime, we are poor, have I mentioned that before? So I headed out to the good old family and childrens services office to see what assistance we could get for her or because we had her. Well, in doing so, I lost Medicaid on both my children because my husband makes a whopping $270.00 a year too much. "A" got on Medicaid at this time. Go figure right? I thought now because we were supporting another person, a disabled one at that, we would at least be able to keep the kids on Medicaid or maybe even get foodstamps. I am not too proud to utilize what I have worked so hard for. We were denied. I have no idea how. My husband works full time, goes to school 3/4 time, and we were below poverty level for a family of 5.

Here is where I might go too far. I do not consider myself racist or ignorant, but everyone is to some extent. I have learned that if I was divorced and my "boyfriend" lived with us that we would qualify for help. It would also benefit us if we were of a different race. Anyone who lives in the South knows the statistics for state assistance is outrageous for races other than Caucasian. This is very disheartening to know that the state is basically encouraging childbirth out of wedlock and making marriage seem like a bad thing. I was under the assumption that these services were to help people willing to help themselves. Apparently not so.

Wow, time to get off the soapbox, got a little politically sidetracked. Anyways, back to what I was saying, "A" was becoming a bit of a financial burden, something that we just cannot deal with right now. The girl can eat! Now mike and I are on the chubby side and I think I like food as much as sex... So that means a lot, but I think she put us to shame. In addition to the financial burden comes the mental anguish, yes, it was that bad. She would just grate on your nerves, just casually forget every fucking thing you taught her unless it was something she wanted to do. My mom got her set up on her AOL account thinking that would occupy her and keep her out of our hair. Well, bad idea. She stayed up all night, slept all day, did not do a whole lot to help me. Apparently complained to other relatives that she should not be saddled with caring for kids at her age. I just want to scream at her, ask her why the fuck is it my responsibility to take care of her when she doesn't want to help me. Everyone keeps saying "poor girl, it was the way she was raised". Hell yes it is, but until someone makes her responsible for her actions and words she is going to always rely on that excuse.

But anyways, on a lighter note, we took our first trip without the babies. Mike and nerd boy had a programming competition to attend in Melbourne Florida. Which by the way is a shit hole, but, we did find a lovely restaurant I would highly recommend. I spent Saturday with nerd boy's wife. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. They are a fun couple. It will take another whole post to accurately describe the level of nerd in attendance there. I think they saw us and were like, "GIRLS!". I will get to that later this week since I do not have a leech on my couch watching me now :)