Sunday, January 23, 2005

Boredom and guilt

Okay, this weekend was a bad one. In some ways I guess it was okay. I do love being with my family and taking care of them I just cannot help wanting to get away. This feeling is killing me. Guilt is worse than the plague I imagine. I long for the days I could sleep until 12, even the days I had to get up at 5 or 6 for a meeting at 7. Work outside the home was definitely taken for granted. Hell, anything outside the home was taken for granted. Claustrophobia is setting in bigtime. The car situation is not helping matters any. A working car would be nice. At least then I could get out of the house without having to guilt someone into letting me borrow theirs. I just read what I have typed and I feel like the most ungrateful person in the world. God blessed me with a wonderful family and life and here I am complaining about them. There is nothing in the world I would trade for what I have. A day completely to myself here and there would be quite nice though. Again this is horrible, this whole thing is I, I, I and me, me, me. What do I do about it? Love should be enough to get me through this, but as much as ansley and joey smile at me, the more guilty I feel. It is a vicious cycle, the guiltier I feel, the more withdrawn, unhappy and bored I become. This has got to stop, something needs to change and I need to change it fast.

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