Sunday, February 17, 2008

Depression gets old fast....

It is late and I cannot sleep. That is rare for me to say. Usually I can fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than five minutes. I haven't been writing because I haven't needed to.

Now I do. I have so many things I need to get out and I can't. So many things are going on, things beyond my control, and it is making me crazy. Right now I should be happy. But of course I am not. My house is becoming nicer, things are somewhat looking up financially, the kids have been healthier this year. They have the flu, strep, and croup at the moment so now is not really the time for me to tout their good fortune with health.

The whole health thing brings me to my mom. She has all these symptoms and things going on and I know it is scaring her, but she will not get things done in a timely manner. It has been three weeks now and we still do not know much else other than she may have cancer. She keeps saying she cannot miss work. I guess that is her way of dealing with this but I am being selfish and want to know what is wrong and what we can do to fix it.

Worrying has been a part of me ever since I can remember. I worry about today, tomorrow, ten years from now. It is not a good thing, I know. Since I haven't been in school for a little while now and I have not been writing, I have been reading. Everything I can get my hands on. That is my way of dealing with stress I suppose. Being this sad and freaking weepy is horrible. I hate it. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a good job, everything should be peachy. Yet I sit here and cry. I don't do this in front of the kids and I try not to do it in front of Mike. He would understand I know but something will not let me go to him.

When I was in school, I will say this, I had no time to worry about anything other than what was at hand that day or due the next. I am putting off going back until I find out what is wrong with mom. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed school. I actually did really well. I missed Mike and the kids of course but it was only a few hours a week that I was away. Time away did wonders for me. I was so happy to see the kids and play with them and it did them well to have so much time alone with their dad. The grades of course were a tremendous self esteem booster, which I desperately needed. This time I am not worried about finishing school, I know I will, it just might take me a little while. I will eventually quit my blubbering.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Still alive...


I am still alive.

School was kicking my ass so I had literally no time to "joy" write, I was writing papers and doing homework. I took this quarter off. I think I did fairly well. 3 quarters straight, full time. Pretty good for someone who had not been in school since 99. Things are kinda sketchy right now but I am going back in spring or summer. All depends on how things work out.

I have been a basket case the last 2 weeks. Mike and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary. In the grand tradition of things, of course something went wrong on our anniversary. I was actually hosting a playdate that morning, my first in almost a year. My mom calls. She had been at the doctor and they gave her some very disturbing news. She may have cancer. So far she has had some labwork, had a CT scan and is about to have an MRI and endoscopy. It is killing me because I want answers and I want them now. I do not like waiting on things.

On a lighter note, everything is good with the kids. Ansley started Pre K in august. I am room mother, surprise surprise. Joey is potty trained and moved to the big class at mothers day out. My kids are growing up on me. They no longer even resemble toddlers. Ansley is starting to read and does not even realize it. Joey can kick just about anyone's ass on just about any mario game. Speaking of games...

The kids and I are addicted to webkinz. Yes, those stupid stuffed animal things you register online. I love them! Mike gave me the pink poodle webkin for an early valentines gift. Ansley and Joey can navigate around that site almost as well as I can. Never thought I would have bought into the hype of an expensive stuffed animal :) Everyone has their vice though right?