Thursday, March 31, 2005

One sleepy mama

The title says it all. It is almost 4 in the morning and this is the 3rd time I have been up with fatboy. This is how my nights have been going for the last 2 weeks. I am gonna crack soon. Mike has had a hellatious week with school, which, here I go again complaining, means I have been acting as a single mom. I try to leave him alone when he has projects or tests, but here lately it is every damn day. Joey is sitting in my lap sucking in his sleep. I love it when they do that. Ansley was just playing tonight and put on a pair of Joey's shorts and would you believe they were really baggy and almost falling off of her? My 7 month old and my 27 month old wear the same size. Crazy isn't it? Well, I am off to bed, big day tomorrow, Ansley goes to the neurologist.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Babysitters? Anyone?

I am in dire need of a cheap, reliable, respectable and trustworthy babysitter. I do not think they exist. Just some figment of my imagination. Lack of sleep causes this I think. That I even want a babysitter is pretty hilarious. Like I would actually leave my kids with a babysitter. Like I could even afford a babysitter. I think being home for so long is rotting my brain. I love staying home with babykins and fatboy, I just wish I had a little help sometimes. I would love to take Ansley to the park and actually play with her, but I would need someone to watch Joey. I would love to take Joey on a nice walk... With someone to watch Ansley. I think I just need to learn to manage 2 babies a little better. I need to start braving the outings with both kids. It would do us all good to get out and see the world. Not just the inside of various restaurants. Walmart and restaurants are all we see lately. Too busy and tired to cook even though I stay home... Makes no sense does it? Along with a dirty house. I am going to find some little highschool girl to come over a couple afternoons a week to help. I think maybe then I could breathe again. I would not feel so overwhelmed. Oh well. Need to get Mike's clothes ready for work. He let me take a nap this afternoon so I need to be nice. See? I do not always complain about him! He says I do.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Incoherent rambling...

I have been sitting here putting off cleaning again. So I went back and read a few of my blog entries. Apparently I have been a lot more sleepy than I think lately because some of those I do not even remember writing. Kinda worries me a little but that's okay. One day I will get enough sleep to function on a halfway decent level and actually remember conversations and things I have done. It was horrible tonight, I was at bruster's with Ansley getting ice cream and a lady in front of us in line asked how old Ansley was then asked her birthday and would you know I totally blanked. I could not even remember my own daughter's birthday. We totally looked like trash tonight too. I hung out at mom's all afternoon because butthead had to study and I felt no need to get dressed to go over there. Ansley was wearing a spongebob undershirt and green pants with a pink, blue and purple hoodie, and here's the kicker, no socks with the light up bedroom shoes. Oh yeah, I left out the fact that Gammy had drawn all over her in blue ink pen. Mom made spaghetti tonight and I ate myself sick. It had been over a year since I had her spaghetti, mike doesn't eat it so we obviously don't eat over there when she makes it. My parents insisted on giving my kids chocolate milk, the chocolate thing does not bother me, the fact that my kids cannot tolerate lactose, does. They keep telling me that it is all in my head that the kids just need to get used to regular milk. I would have no problems with this if they would keep them after feeding them the stuff. Then maybe they would see that I am not totally neurotic. I was thinking of possibly going to church on Easter but then I would be one of those hypocrites that only show up on Easter and Christmas so I don't think I am going to do that. I am so sleepy but there are clothes in the washer that need to go in the dryer and Mike needs clean clothes in the morning. I wish I had a laundry service. Screw that. I want a full time maid. If I had a maid I just imagine the things I could do. I could take the kids to the park everyday. We could actually do more than one art project a week. I may even be able to sew a little. I would not be living in "CHAOS". For those of you not familiar with flylady lingo, that would be "Can't have anyone over syndrome". Washer stopped. I can go to bed now. At least temporarily. :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Late night motivation

I figured if I sat down to write I may be able to talk myself into cleaning a little tonight. Today was a busy day, took Ansley to the pediatrician, but that is another post all in itself. Had lunch with my very opinionated and motivational friend, Mike is afraid of her I think. Got home to find my water had been turned off. Obviously from a lack of me paying the bill. At least lately I have had the money to pay it just not the time to run a check up there. I wish the bastards would hurry up and get online billing and payment. Had it turned back on, went to eat with mike's friends who I think are off their rockers.... They were telling us about the place they took their honeymoon and then volunteered to take the kids for a weekend so mike and I could go... They said it would be so relaxing for us and a pleasure to have the kids. Like I said, I think they may be a little nutty. Awesome offer though. No one has offered us anything like that... Ever. I was so taken aback that I almost said what dates are good for you???? I cleaned all night on Friday and today the house is a mess. How do I do it? I am going to drive myself insane in the quest for a clean house. If I could ever get caught up to the point I could start rearranging and moving my rooms, things would get a lot easier. But, the only way to get it done is to do it right? Which is why I need to get my happy butt off this computer and at least do the livingroom and load the dishwasher. Ask me tomorrow if I got it done. Maybe that will teach me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Early morning

Well, I thought I was going to sleep earlier. Joey just wanted to tease me. Let me fall asleep just for a 2 hour cat nap. Teething is killing me. At least I hope that is the reason for the 2 hour sleep intervals. I swear I don't know how, but I am in a half way decent mood. I actually smiled at Joey. Not that this is a rare occurance, but after midnight its a slim to none chance. Oh, did I mention it is 10 till 5?

The refrigerator

My refrigerator crapped out again. Another 200 down the drain in groceries. So, we went and bought a new one. A lot less fancy than the old one, but hey, look where that got us. We got your basic run of the mill freezer on top fridge. Let's hope this one can last longer than 5 years. Allergy season has officially begun. Me and the kids have snotty noses. Joey's top 2 front teeth are coming in and they are huge! Mike tells me not to pick on him. He is adorable no matter what. I was going to write a lot more but the joeyman finally fell asleep so that is my cue to go to bed as well.

Friday, March 18, 2005

My little fish killer

My darling little babykins killed 3 of her fish today. She did not mean to of course. I was rocking Joey and she was in her room, watching the fish, or so I thought. She has a big denim covered foam cube to help her in and out of bed. This thing is pretty big but extremely lightweight. I did not really think she would use it to climb without us in there....Duh...Anyways, she swipes the fish food. I am talking ginormous thing of fish food. You know at walmart everything is cheaper when it is bigger. Well, she manages to get the top off and dump the entire thing in the aquarium. I hear a thud and go running in there only to see it is the empty fish food jar. I look at the aquarium and you cannot even see the fish. The water had already turned an opaque orangey brown. She looks at me and she knows she did wrong. She asked me not to take her fish away. I have no clue where she got this. I have never even threatened that. She said she needed to call her gammy. She calls mom and tells my mom I am going to take her fish away and that she needs to spank me. I can tell this child is going to keep me on my toes. I cleaned the tank after she fell asleep tonight and found 3 of the fish dead and couldn't find any of the shrimp. I have not yet figured out how to break this news to her. Maybe if we go ahead and take her to buy frogs and angel fish she won't ask. Oh well, wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

My mind

Keeping this blog used to be fun for me and it really did help me with stress. Now it almost feels like one of the billion things in the back of my head that I have yet to get to. Any parent knows how busy life is, especially with 2. I am not complaining about the kids. It is just a fact that you stay busy. Here lately I have really enjoyed the kids, not that I didn't before, it is just a little different now. I have been thinking so much it is scaring me. I am questioning my faith or rather how strong it is and what my relationship is with god. Heavy stuff, I know. Life just keeps me in awe. My kids are growing and learning new things everyday and I am afraid I am going to miss something if I am not careful. Mike was asleep with Joey in his arms tonight and I just stood over them and smiled, I just wanted to squeeze them and never let go. I never really knew, even when I married Mike, just how much you can love someone. I look at my family and it amazes me that I love them all a little more everyday. Nothing has really changed in my life lately other than I have been putting the idea in my head that I will get to it when I get to it. My house is a wreck but I want it to be nice and clean so badly. It is a toss up during the day with the kids, clean or take care of and play with them. Here lately, playing has won out. I desperately need to get my house in shape though, so I can get my new floors. Hard to believe but I am actually getting floors! No more concrete! Joey is crawling now so it will be nice to have a decent floor for him to crawl on. I need to get my butt in gear and get him in his own room. That was one of the big decisions we have made. Get Ansley into her bed in her room, and get Joey into his. So, I am selling everything in our office. Computers, desks, everything. If anyone that reads this needs anything like that, let me know. I think if it is nice this weekend, I am going to have a massive yard sale. I have so much crap piled into my foyer it is almost blocking the front door. I need to get the stuff out of the attic as well. Joey has outgrown everything he owns, so I need to buy him some clothes that are not going to cut off blood circulation. Shopping for boys is actually a chore. I love clothes and shopping, but there is so little boy stuff that is decent. Not everything in his closet should have something relating to sports or some other manly theme. My little man is tossing rice krispies as I type, the dogs do not really eat rice krispies so I guess the vacuum will. We finally set up Ansley's aquarium. She has 7 fish and 4 shrimp. All of the shrimp are named Jacques. Then we have pepper, Garfield, and monster. She hasn't gotten around to naming the others yet. Had Trix and Buddy shaved so I think they feel better. Need to get Mona to the vet, she is having issues again, I hope it is just an ear infection. Anyways, I need to motivate myself into cleaning now.

Monday, March 14, 2005

I am getting new stuff! Yay!

Time is getting away from me these days. That and Mike has been snagging the laptop, which is why I have not been posting really. We have been making massive plans. Massive for me anyways. I am getting my new floor, which I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am! Our new, waterproof durahide couch should be here in 3 1/2 weeks. It was not exactly my dream couch, but when you have specifications such as mine, the pickings are slim. Waterproof and cleanable are 2 very good, but rare features for a couch. Mike got his man chair. You know that every man has to have some sort of recliner. I at least like his choice. A papason recliner. I think thats how you spell it. I got my poodle throws for the couch and chair. Last but not least, we did not leave the kids out, they got a mobile/portable dvd player. Ansley absolutely adores it. Now we can watch spongebob on the go. Now that I have listed the results of a weeks worth of shopping, I suppose I can move on to other things. Well, maybe tomorrow, I am really tired, all this shopping has worn me out. :)

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

the blog hog

I was just reading comments over at metrodad, and lo and behold, the hitlerblogbitch krissy, insults me. Says my version of venting is not healthy then proceeds to, for lack of a better term, call me a poser. Yep, I am hip all right. So hip I have 4 readers that I am trying to impress. Nope, wouldn't have anything to do with keeping my sanity. I do believe this woman has less of a life than I do. 14 comments on one entry, and its not even her blog!!! I sashayed my hip self on over to her blog, just to see what kind of response she was getting, she apparently has a few faithful ass kissers who think that she wrote the book on parenting. Most people have issues, but geez, woman, give it up!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Fat Boy's check up

I took Joey to the Dr for his 6 month check up and shots. They put him on the scales and I was mildly shocked. I know my kid is rather large, but it didn't really kick in till they weighed him. I have a 22 pound 6 month old. My 26 month old only weighs 24 pounds. So the Dr tells me he is not fat, he is proportionate. 95th percentile for height and weight. Poor Ansley was only in the 15th percentile at 6 months old. We are definitely hitting a rough spot with the teething, he has already got one bottom tooth and another trying to come through on bottom and two on top. Overall a healthy boy. He has been sorta crawling for a little while now but he took off tonight. Ansley's bottle was on the floor and he wanted it in a hurry. It was so cute to see his little butt wiggle. I believe he is starting to communicate, at least in my head he is, I think he has already said a few words. Hi, yeah, nomna and da (mommy and daddy).
Had my first taste of what it is going to be like with kids so close in age, Ansley came running up to me saying "Joey touched me, he won't leave my lone". God I love my kids. I think that until you are a parent, you don't know what loving a child means. Having Joey suck on my cheek and Ansley crawling in my lap telling me she wants to hold me, nothing like it in the world. I am a very lucky woman. Mike gave me the best gift he ever could.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Asheville- the 2nd try

Okay, I wonder if I am jinxed or something when it comes to asheville. My time up there was pretty fun, except for the fact that my mothers car (that I drove up there) got towed our first day out. Jenny parked in a lot that said private parking, towing enforced. She said she always parks there. I didn't argue. We were gone 15 mins. Came back and the car was gone. No lie, 15 mins. Call the company that towed us and they said it would be $150.00 to get the car back. 125 towing fee and 25 storage fee. What storage might I ask? the car was not even at the tow yard yet when we called. The guy would not cut us a break. Anyways, after much fussing and arguing, with everyone in my family, and a few tylenol, we were able to go out and have a nice dinner. We visited a restaurant called The Laughing Seed, vegetarian no less. I knew there were a few different types of vegetarianism, but this restaurant had them all labeled neatly beside the entrees and apps. I had the wild mushroom enchiladas. Good, but a fat person needs more food. One of the other skinny girls said she needed more food too. Made me feel a little better. Now I get to the fun part. Jenny had some friends meet us there and one of them had a little boy named Jacob. He is 2 1/2. He is now my daughters boyfriend. She informed me that she kissed him. Who knew I had to start worrying at this age? They were very cute playing together and terrorizing this nice, peaceful, very zen restaurant. We go home and watch the oscars and I wake up to a frosty white wonderland the next morning. This is causing me great distress. I have to drive home in this and of course, me being the georgia girl that I am, have no clue how to handle snow or ice. We have our breakfast of soy sausage and biscuits and head to L'eau de Vie, the salon where jen works. I am to be a guinea pig for a color class. Aveda came out with new colorant for darker hair colors and they have to teach the stylists how to use it. I had a buddist working on my head. I do not know much about buddism other than this woman took week longs vows of silence, blah blah blah... My hair is now 4 different colors. The very top one being orange. I have not adjusted well. 2 hours later, we get to leave and eat lunch, I am starving by now. This time we went to The Early Girl. It was very good. I was impressed with my sisters selections. I brace myself for the drive home, armed with grapes, cheese, cereal, crackers. Ansley does okay for the first 5 minutes then I hit the curvy parts of the mountains and the snow and ice is freaking me out and my ears are popping and she starts screaming. I give her the grapes then the cheese then the cereal then the crackers, all of which end up on the floorboard. Not good since this is not my vehicle. Then she loses her bottle and I can't turn around to look for it and I do not want to pull over since it is dark and scary. My 3 hours of screaming taught me a lesson. Bring headphones.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Baby steps...

Ever see the movie "what about bob?" ? Cheesy movie but Mike and I love it. I think that is part of what makes us work. Our love of cheesy things. We have a lot of arguments, that much is a fact. I can rationalize these arguments with all the stress we have. That and 2 children in 2 years. We absolutely adore the babies. Just not each other sometimes. With everything that needs to get done in a day, I forget to take the time to tell him how much I care and need him. I just expect him to know. I expect him to know a lot of things. Expecting without asking or telling has lead to many of our fights.
Tonight we had a blowout at 3 in the morning because of a misunderstanding. I didn't threaten to leave and take the kids this time so that is a step forward, right? Baby steps.... I am sitting here writing, calmly, which is something I would not normally do. Normally I would be writing about how much he pisses me off and how bad of a husband he is. Negativity has been eating me alive for the last few months and I think I am finally tired of it. It does not make me feel good, nor does it do anything for my family. Post partum depression is something I think I have been battling for a while now. My body has not been my own for so long that I do not know what to do with it now. 2 kids in 2 years wrecks your body and your mental state. I would not do it any differently if I had a chance though. Time is making me stronger and I am trying to understand my thoughts and how I can change them. The PPD I am talking about does not involve any harm towards my children in any way, I know that is typically the idea that pops in people's heads when they hear post partum depression. Dealing with so many changes in such a short amount of time is really a lot to swallow. I just have not gotten it all the way down yet. I have been choking. I know I am a good mother and I have 2 of the most wonderful kids anyone could ask for, learning how to juggle life is something I have not been good at.
My lack of monetary income to this family has been a big issue for me. I was pretty independent and like to think that I was fairly stable with my income. I had a job. Granted, it was for my parents company, but if anyone knows my dad, they know that I had to work. Not all the time, but a large part of the time. My last year of working I pretty much ran the company. My parents were having their midlife crisis and my dad moved his internet whore down here, so that left no one at the office but me. I did the payroll, I went to the meetings, I checked out the job sites. At one time, the company was fairly big. Not big by most peoples standards but we had about 30 employees. I had worked with my dad on and off since I was a kid. Most women do not aspire to work in construction, but I wanted to take over the company. I know more about paint and wallpaper and blueprints than most men. There actually is a lot to learn about those things. If you want to do it properly anyway. What I am getting at, is that I had to quit work and be hospitalized for a month before Ansley was born. I had planned on going back to work after a couple months break. We decided that I should stay home with her. A decision I do not regret by any stretch of the imagination. It was very hard to go from working full time and talking with adults all throughout the day to being home all the time and not really having anyone to talk to. Sure I talked to Ansley but she could not exactly talk back. Then by the time she could understand and talk back, I was pregnant again. Definitely not a bad thing, just a little unexpected.
So here I am, a few days after my daughter's 1st birthday and I am pregnant. Just when things start to get a little on the smooth side, we get thrown a curve. That's how it works though. You can't ever let yourself get too comfortable. This pregnancy was not nearly as hard as the first one, but I was so much bigger. Well, I guess I should say Joey was soooo much bigger than Ansley. It's true that you do carry boys differently. My belly was soooo huge. I am talking houselike. I could not fit between cars in the parking lot thats how big I got. I was showing a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Joey was almost 9 pounds. Ansley was not even 6 pounds. While all of this is going on, Mike is still working full time and going to school.
I thought I had it hard, meaning a lot to do, with Ansley. Add baby #2 and it is double the work and Ansley is hitting the terrible twos. My mema also died a few days before I had Joey. She was the only grandparent I ever had and I had a special bond with her. You aren't supposed to pick favorites among kids or grandkids, but I was her favorite. Add this to the mix and I am an emotional wreck. I do not believe I have even really grieved yet. A few months later, my uncle dies. This was the Uncle I was closest to, again I think I was a favorite. I still have not grieved for him yet either. I keep expecting to go to mom's and see him sitting in her sunroom smoking. I drive by the nursing home and think I need to go see mema, but then I remember. This makes me feel as though I have not accepted their deaths. This brings us to present day and I am still not myself. I have not been myself in so long I have almost forgotton who I am. I look in the mirror and the body I see is not mine. Coming to terms with who I am now and what I look like now is very hard. People change, that is to be expected. You just don't know what to do anymore when you don't know yourself. Lack of sleep and a worn out body make it a little hard to function and deal with all the stress. This is no excuse though. I am starting to take responsibility for my actions or lack thereof.

Friday, March 04, 2005

I lost it

I just typed out this long, heartfelt, detailed entry about my weekend in asheville and I f-ing lost it. I cannot believe this.