Thursday, May 18, 2006

Liar, liar pants on fire...

Okay. I lied.

I just opened my mail and I am so disappointed I could cry. A few weeks ago I applied for a scholarship at the Y. The letter came today stating we only qualified for a partial scholarship. That would be wonderful if I had some extra money, but, I do not. We are on such a tight budget we are barely squeaking by. I got my hopes all up thinking, wow, I will have something to go and do with the kids! It was all planned out, we would go in the evening when Mike was studying.

My little bubble of hope just burst all to bits.

Whiny Bitch

That would be me in case anyone had any doubts. My goal this week is to reduce my whining and bitching. There is no reward in the end except self satisfaction. That is all I can afford :)
I am going to try this new thing because hell, nothing else has worked so far. Bitching obviously gets me no where fast.

Mike started summer semester yesterday, and like all good seniors, he put off humanities till last. For those not familiar with humanities, it is art, music, and literature combined. At our wonderful little university 2 semesters of this crap is required to graduate. I am not bitching though, merely stating facts. The professor (he got stuck with the dean of humanities) requires about 160 pages to be read every night. My dear husband reads at a snail's pace, not necessarily a bad thing, just sucks for me. I got to talk to him maybe a total of 15 minutes last night. So, I ask of you, my 3 readers ;) any suggestions on how to speed him up or increase the quality of my 15 minutes? Sex is not an option, kids are awake during dinner.

After my little whinefest yesterday I got out and mowed the back yard, made a decent stir fry and even cleaned a little. I plan to be even more productive today. If my kids cooperate. Speaking of which, Ansley said another dirty word. We were all in bed. Again. She and Joey were jumping up and down and playing. Joey clotheslines her and while she is flat he starts kicking her (I have no idea where they learn this stuff!) they are laughing like a bunch of hyenas and I could barely understand her then she yells that Joey is kicking her ass. She knows this is not a kid word because I ask her again what she said, in a low deep voice "nothing!. I love the way she says that because it sounds more like "nussin". I have the most wonderful foul mouthed little angels. And there is no sarcasm in that statement :)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Big issues...

And no, I am not referring to my butt.

That was supposed to be funny, well to me it was. There has been chaos on the homefront. As usual. Nothing major, just a bout with hand, foot, and mouth disease, staying at my mom's to watch her house, because you know, gotta watch those houses, don't know what they will do behind your back. But we are home now. Thank god. Being away from your house for a couple of weeks really makes you appreciate it. Even all the mess and the tall grass.

Seriously though, I have some issues that I cannot deal with... Or will not deal with, I do not really know which. I have bitched about staying home a lot lately. It is driving me up the wall that I have been home for 4 years now. Put the kids in daycare? Definitely not an option. For several reasons, the first being my kids' health, they catch everything they are within a mile of, the second, would I really have decent reasons for subjecting my socially anxious children to that? We do not have the money, even if I was working it would be just to pay for daycare. My conscience would kill me. My question is, What do I do to alleviate this feeling? Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids, just not 24/7. Maybe 23/7.

This claustrophobia type fear is making me crazy. Am I going to turn into my mother? That is not a bad thing, she just waits on my dad hand and foot. She cleans the house. She took care of us and even worked at times. This is scaring me because I see these things happening in my house. Getting my husbands clothes ready for work, occasionally ironing, basically waiting on him like my mom did with my dad. The only difference is that it was a socially different time and my dad did hard manual labor. Not that Mike does not work hard, I know his job is stressful, just not physically taxing. Sometimes I just want to scream I am not Donna fucking Reed!

Does anyone really see the job of a stay at home parent as a real job? I think unless you have lived it, you do not. Obviously the breadwinning side of the family takes the credit for a real job. I only chase the kids around, feed them, bathe them, attempt to educate them on top of occasionally cleaning the house, barely maintaining the yard, Oh and I cook too. Physically draining? Nah. Full time job? Are you kidding?

With Mike so close to graduating I am freaking out in a lot of ways. Obviously. We have not decided on grad school yet and the decision needs to be made soon. If he does grad school, more than likely we will have to move off to some faraway state where I will have absolutely no help and have to work more than likely. I do not see him going to school and having time to work, let alone time for us. He has talked about school as far away as california. Even mentioned Wisconsin for some reason or another. I agreed to give him 2 years. I just do not know if I can live this way for another 2 years.

I have been wanting to go to school for so long now. It is looking very dim for me in that area. I am not going to put the kids in daycare to go so either I go at night or wait till they are school age. If we move I will not have time to go at all. I will be in my thirties going back.

Lately I feel stupid on top of all this other stuff I have going on. I just want an education and career that is respected. More so than that, I want money. If I could make money by staying home with the kids and actually be respected, that would be the ideal job. Then I would have enough to pay a housekeeper and occasionally a respected babysitter. Dreams are good right?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Smooth sailing...

Things lately have been pretty calm. Knock on wood right? We went to see Dora's pirate adventure the other night. A decent show, amazing seats, 2nd row center. Mike and I were sharing jokes concerning Boots and Diego, they were pretty homoriffic. The kids were mesmerized so that is what counts. I was astounded at the prices for everything though, $4 for a sprite, $3 for a little cup of popcorn. I don't even want to get started on the souvenirs!

My surprise party was this past saturday. I had a good turnout. One girl brought a really conservative friend which made things that much more amusing. Everytime a toy was passed to her she turned bright red and almost hid her eyes! I would expect that from a teenager but this is a woman with 4 kids!!!! She knows what that stuff is for. Or at least I hope she does. Overall I had a good time, a few too many margaritas, but that just makes things interesting.

I will not bore you anymore, my life is never without drama so something will happen soon that I need to vent about :)