His Hands

I held his hands a lot.

His hands were rough and calloused. He worked so hard and his hands truly showed how much he loved his work. They were strong. They were scarred. He had little bits of paint in the creases of his nails.

These were the same hands that held me as a baby. That taught me how to play ball. That held me when I was sick. That held my babies.

It was my turn to hold his hand. How I wished he could squeeze my hand. I held his hands hoping and praying he could feel me there and somehow feel how much I loved him. I moved his fingers around. Wiggled his wrist up and down. Rolled up wash cloths to put in his hands when I or mom was not around to hold them.

The nurses rubbed his hands down with lotion twice a day. Mom clipped his nails. The paint chips disappeared. The callouses disappeared. His hands started to take on the look of a man who never knew what manual labor was. They were smooth, the nails were shiny with neat edges. His strong hands had lost their strength.

Now he is in God's hands.

Words cannot express how much I miss him and how much he meant to me.

When I need him the most.

I haven't needed this in so long I almost forgot how to log in. This blog has been my outlet for so long and in recent months I just have not needed it. I stay so busy that I barely have time to breathe let alone sit and type out my thoughts.

I need it now. I have a husband. A good husband. We are so in tune to each other on so many levels. Except one. A major one. Affection. I need affection like I need air or water. He could care less. At least that is how I feel. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we have had issues with that area. I am not talking about sex, just basic affection. He says I demand it. That much is probably true. I am a very demanding woman. He does not seem to need the hugs or even little touches as much as I do. At times I wish I was not so needy.

Like right now, I am sitting in the livingroom while he is in the bedroom because I complained and left the room. I was almost asleep when he came to bed and I scooted closer to him, this is a big deal because we sleep on opposite sides of a king size bed. I was in and out of sleep while he was watching tv and getting up and down for some reason or another. He came back to bed and had his head at the foot of the bed. He turned up the tv loud enough to bother me and that was pretty loud since I suffer from a fair amount of hearing loss. I looked up at him and he just sees nothing wrong with this. He says I was asleep so what did it matter. If I was asleep I would not have been able to tell him what tv shows he was watching or whatever. Should that even matter? He knows I wanted to be near him. And this is my fault.

Now I have a lot of serious stuff going on in my life right now and he has been fairly supportive. So why is he pulling away now? It is okay when he does want affection or wants attention because usually I am willing to give it. I just want him to give me what I need right now. I know he is capable of it otherwise why would I have spent the last 10 years of my life with him?

Cheap or crazy? I think both.

So apparently I am a nutty woman right now. What's new about that though right? We decided to have the kids birthday parties together this year. Money was a big factor, they both wanted a "jumping" party and for those of you reading this that do not know about those parties, they are freakin outrageous. I am talking three hundred dollars for a 2 hour party. Stupid. I know. We have not been able to take the kids on any sort of vacation for the last 2 years and we really have not spent hardly any money on anything besides the basics in forever. So the kids deserve this. Ansley wants "hannah" themed stuff and Joey wants "super mario". Hannah has been no problem. They make everything under the sun with hannah on it. That is one rich little bitch for sure. Now Mario stuff is insanely hard to find. I have found a few things but damn, I am not willing to pay over 10 bucks on ebay for a freakin bag of mario gummies. Especially since I have done a little research and found out they sell them at dollar tree. Just not a dollar tree near me. I just want so badly to make this a good party for both my kids and I know, treat bags are not even really for my kids, they are for the other kids so what the hell am I stressing about right? I really just want to scream! I am not a martha stewart mom who is going to hand make all the party crap. I have too much on my plate for that. Mike keeps telling me I am worrying about this too much and I know I am, it is just that nagging little voice in the back of my head that wants this perfect and I am going crazy trying.

Question....

So almost everyone has inlaws. Are yours as fucked up as mine?

I really need to know. I am so damn tired of being played against my sister in law who at one time I was very close to. I am tired of my kids being played against hers. The way I see it, The first grandchild had that family all to herself for over 8 years. My god, is it too much to ask for them to treat my kids the same?

For the record, I am trying this new thing where I do not bitch at my husband about his family so I am just gonna get it all out here that way he does not have to deal with it. He did have to live with them growing up, Not me. It sounds like I have no love for this family when in fact, it is quite the opposite. I care pretty deeply about them that is why this shit gets to me so bad.

Just once I would love for someone, anyone to put me first. Help me when I have a problem. Invite me to do stuff because you want me with you, not because you want to make another family member fucking jealous. Apparently I have potty mouth issues today. There have to be other people out there with this issue. It really is true, you do marry the family, not just the man. Too bad you cannot divorce the family and keep the man.

Depression gets old fast....

It is late and I cannot sleep. That is rare for me to say. Usually I can fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than five minutes. I haven't been writing because I haven't needed to.

Now I do. I have so many things I need to get out and I can't. So many things are going on, things beyond my control, and it is making me crazy. Right now I should be happy. But of course I am not. My house is becoming nicer, things are somewhat looking up financially, the kids have been healthier this year. They have the flu, strep, and croup at the moment so now is not really the time for me to tout their good fortune with health.

The whole health thing brings me to my mom. She has all these symptoms and things going on and I know it is scaring her, but she will not get things done in a timely manner. It has been three weeks now and we still do not know much else other than she may have cancer. She keeps saying she cannot miss work. I guess that is her way of dealing with this but I am being selfish and want to know what is wrong and what we can do to fix it.

Worrying has been a part of me ever since I can remember. I worry about today, tomorrow, ten years from now. It is not a good thing, I know. Since I haven't been in school for a little while now and I have not been writing, I have been reading. Everything I can get my hands on. That is my way of dealing with stress I suppose. Being this sad and freaking weepy is horrible. I hate it. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a good job, everything should be peachy. Yet I sit here and cry. I don't do this in front of the kids and I try not to do it in front of Mike. He would understand I know but something will not let me go to him.

When I was in school, I will say this, I had no time to worry about anything other than what was at hand that day or due the next. I am putting off going back until I find out what is wrong with mom. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed school. I actually did really well. I missed Mike and the kids of course but it was only a few hours a week that I was away. Time away did wonders for me. I was so happy to see the kids and play with them and it did them well to have so much time alone with their dad. The grades of course were a tremendous self esteem booster, which I desperately needed. This time I am not worried about finishing school, I know I will, it just might take me a little while. I will eventually quit my blubbering.

Still alive...

Yep.

I am still alive.

School was kicking my ass so I had literally no time to "joy" write, I was writing papers and doing homework. I took this quarter off. I think I did fairly well. 3 quarters straight, full time. Pretty good for someone who had not been in school since 99. Things are kinda sketchy right now but I am going back in spring or summer. All depends on how things work out.

I have been a basket case the last 2 weeks. Mike and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary. In the grand tradition of things, of course something went wrong on our anniversary. I was actually hosting a playdate that morning, my first in almost a year. My mom calls. She had been at the doctor and they gave her some very disturbing news. She may have cancer. So far she has had some labwork, had a CT scan and is about to have an MRI and endoscopy. It is killing me because I want answers and I want them now. I do not like waiting on things.

On a lighter note, everything is good with the kids. Ansley started Pre K in august. I am room mother, surprise surprise. Joey is potty trained and moved to the big class at mothers day out. My kids are growing up on me. They no longer even resemble toddlers. Ansley is starting to read and does not even realize it. Joey can kick just about anyone's ass on just about any mario game. Speaking of games...

The kids and I are addicted to webkinz. Yes, those stupid stuffed animal things you register online. I love them! Mike gave me the pink poodle webkin for an early valentines gift. Ansley and Joey can navigate around that site almost as well as I can. Never thought I would have bought into the hype of an expensive stuffed animal :) Everyone has their vice though right?

Prayer For Casey

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