And no, I am not referring to my butt.
That was supposed to be funny, well to me it was. There has been chaos on the homefront. As usual. Nothing major, just a bout with hand, foot, and mouth disease, staying at my mom's to watch her house, because you know, gotta watch those houses, don't know what they will do behind your back. But we are home now. Thank god. Being away from your house for a couple of weeks really makes you appreciate it. Even all the mess and the tall grass.
Seriously though, I have some issues that I cannot deal with... Or will not deal with, I do not really know which. I have bitched about staying home a lot lately. It is driving me up the wall that I have been home for 4 years now. Put the kids in daycare? Definitely not an option. For several reasons, the first being my kids' health, they catch everything they are within a mile of, the second, would I really have decent reasons for subjecting my socially anxious children to that? We do not have the money, even if I was working it would be just to pay for daycare. My conscience would kill me. My question is, What do I do to alleviate this feeling? Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids, just not 24/7. Maybe 23/7.
This claustrophobia type fear is making me crazy. Am I going to turn into my mother? That is not a bad thing, she just waits on my dad hand and foot. She cleans the house. She took care of us and even worked at times. This is scaring me because I see these things happening in my house. Getting my husbands clothes ready for work, occasionally ironing, basically waiting on him like my mom did with my dad. The only difference is that it was a socially different time and my dad did hard manual labor. Not that Mike does not work hard, I know his job is stressful, just not physically taxing. Sometimes I just want to scream I am not Donna fucking Reed!
Does anyone really see the job of a stay at home parent as a real job? I think unless you have lived it, you do not. Obviously the breadwinning side of the family takes the credit for a real job. I only chase the kids around, feed them, bathe them, attempt to educate them on top of occasionally cleaning the house, barely maintaining the yard, Oh and I cook too. Physically draining? Nah. Full time job? Are you kidding?
With Mike so close to graduating I am freaking out in a lot of ways. Obviously. We have not decided on grad school yet and the decision needs to be made soon. If he does grad school, more than likely we will have to move off to some faraway state where I will have absolutely no help and have to work more than likely. I do not see him going to school and having time to work, let alone time for us. He has talked about school as far away as california. Even mentioned Wisconsin for some reason or another. I agreed to give him 2 years. I just do not know if I can live this way for another 2 years.
I have been wanting to go to school for so long now. It is looking very dim for me in that area. I am not going to put the kids in daycare to go so either I go at night or wait till they are school age. If we move I will not have time to go at all. I will be in my thirties going back.
Lately I feel stupid on top of all this other stuff I have going on. I just want an education and career that is respected. More so than that, I want money. If I could make money by staying home with the kids and actually be respected, that would be the ideal job. Then I would have enough to pay a housekeeper and occasionally a respected babysitter. Dreams are good right?