I am sitting here thinking, how in the world do I begin this post. My cousin, whom I have always considered to be one of my best friends, sent me this link.

http://gyxe.com/childfree/10-043-a-blog-confessions-of-a-sahm-read.shtml

I will say this, Eric, you do not have kids, until you do, you will never understand.

The past few years have been some of the hardest my family and I have ever had to endure. Yes, I did have post partum. Yes, I was self-centered. Any one that has had post partum will know, no one else can go through it with you. So, logic tells me, "gee, you might be a little self centered". What the fuck people? I had 2 people that were very close to me die during this same time period. I guess people do not count those emotions. When I wrote about my uncle, it was heartfelt. I know he did not have the life he wanted. He wanted all the stresses and love a family can give. Also, a child with a sleep disorder and multiple illnesses. Does anyone think this may be stressful? I wrote this before, and I am writing it again, if you are with someone 24/7, be it your child or a "beloved" spouse, yes, you are going to get sick of them and need a break. Doesn't mean you love them any less or regret having them or being with them. Just means you are human.

My blog is exactly that, mine. It is mine to whine, bitch, and complain as much as I want. I have very few outlets as it is, why fuck with this one? It takes a sad, sick person to dissect my crappy little corner of the internet. Obviously they are missing something.

Pills, pills, pills

Again, I cannot see anything in the little box where I type, so we will see how this goes. Took the kids to the doctor again yesterday. Of course, they are sick. What should be any different about last week or the week before? We got more meds. Now Ansley is on, pulmicort, xopenex, singulair, nasonex, atuss ms, and zithromax. Worse than a 90 year old person isn't it?

She has fluid in her right lung and Joey has croup. The doctor said Joey is dangerously close to being hospitalized. He is on orapred, a hideous steroid that turns him into a little hellion. I am at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. My kids always stay sick, always has to do with their lungs. What am I doing wrong??? I hate seeing them suffer. Does anyone else have this problems? I have done everything the asthma specialist said to do so I am clueless now. I can't sick back and let my kids suffer, I know there has got to be something out there to help them.

Gettin' smashed, try #2

Okay, so I cannot see anything in the box I am typing, so this sucks. I like to read as I type. I am slow like that I guess. anyway, I am a liittle tipsy, 151 will do that to you. I keep losing ttrack of what I am typing and I wanted to say so much but this is really just pissing me off. I am going to post and try again later if I am not to drunk to type.

Gettin' smashed! Try #1

Either blogger is fucking up or I am drunk already.

Jealous maybe?

Ever read a blog and think how in the world can they complain? Got a part time nanny, cleaning lady, Ipods, big SUVs. I have none of these things. I am jealous. I am guessing poor people just do not blog, if they do, I have not found them. People whose income is under 50,000. These are the people I need to connect with. I really wonder if there are people out there doing it the hard way like my family.

Reality is definitely telling me we did this backwards, you know, kids before the college degrees and steady careers. We had our kids young. Well, not too young, first one at 25. Which means we will be young enough to connect with them when they are older, I think that is very important. Things are hard now but eventually I know it will get easier. One day we are going to have nice cars, a big beautiful house that I get to design and hopefully happy unspoiled children. Okay okay, we will settle for slightly spoiled children. Even with our income now we spoil them a little. Jealousy is not a good thing and I know life is not about material things.

Green bean kisses and poopie stick swirls

My kids amaze me everyday. I do not always write about the good stuff and I should. For every bit that I bitch about them, I love them tens of thousands of times more.

The night before last, I made a crappy dinner of green beans and hot dogs, I haven't been feeling the greatest lately, so anyways, Ansley leans over with a mouth full of green beans and kisses Mike on the cheek, then does the same to Joey and me. Melts my heart when she does that, but then she grins and tells us she gave us green bean kisses. They are good for us. And she is right. I had been feeling pretty crappy all day and then she makes me smile. She is good at that, they both are.

Joey has been going to the potty a good bit lately, which is good, now if I can get them both out of diapers we might be able to afford another car. Ha! One day right? Speaking of the potty, last night we were all laying in bed watching family guy (nothing like a little quality family time right?) and Ansley says she has to go potty NOW. So Mike takes her and I can hear their conversation, they are discussing the size of her "poopie sticks" . She is rather fond of that name. Well, Mike comes in the room and is like, "you gotta see that thing, it is a foot long!". Well, then we all had to march to the bathroom to see her accomplishments. She makes a big deal out of flushing, as well she should, she is only 3. She stands there and watches her poopie sticks swirl, then says "look mommy its swirling". I did not even know she knew what swirl meant.

The kids are definitely a lot smarter than I give them credit for, But everyone thinks their kids are smart right?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ME?

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is going on with my life. I try to lead a decent life and be good and kind to others, in fact I do a good bit to help others. I wonder why then my life just keeps getting worse? I know things could always be worse than they are and I am grateful it is not as bad as it could be, so what do I do now to make it better?

We are obviously poor. Both of our piece of shit cars died in the last couple of weeks, which leads us to beg and borrow from those that feel sorry for us. Mike of course has to drive to work and school every day, I have to drive the kids to the doctor, literally every other day. We have no extra money, and I am wondering just how we are going to get another car. We were going to use our tax return, but, I don't think we are going to get very much back this year.

The state somehow always manages to fuck us and of course, this year is no exception. I bought my piece of shit 2 years ago. 1600 cash. I know I could not expect much for this, so I am grateful it lasted this long, but anyways, I paid sales tax when I bought the car, the state is telling me I did not. So now I am being hit with like a $500 penalty. I have proof that I paid, and they have been letting me pay my ad valorem taxes every time I renew my tag, so what the hell?

You know what, if you are still reading this, I am going to stop complaining now. Really, I promise. My next post will be a happy one.

Things have not exactly picked up lately, but you know what, I am okay with that. Ansley came through with flying colors the day of her surgery. She was an absolute angel(as if MY child would be anything else). The dentist did not have to remove any teeth, thank god, all she had to do was buff them out and do a couple tiny composite fillings.

This week however has not been too "lovely". As if you couldn't tell. Again, concerning Ansley, we had 2 ER visits and a hospital stay this past weekend. One day I am going to learn the secret to healthy children. She is doing much better now but I was a bundle of nerves all weekend. I had to cancel my surprise party, with good reason of course, ansley+hospital= good reason.

I am gritting my teeth lately but I know things are going to get better. They have to. I feel like a crazy woman writing this, picture some woman chain smoking and wearing slippers and a robe.... Although I do not smoke or wear slippers or a robe either. That is just the image that pops into my head. Guess maybe I might be a little loopy. But if you are reading this and sympathizing, you may be too :)