Wednesday, June 29, 2005


I have a serious problem. Yesterday made the second time I went in early to pick up the kids from MDO. It also makes the second time I found my son in a room alone crying. The first time they scurried to get him and assured me that he had just woken up after being put in a crib after he fell asleep. I know he had been crying more than a couple minutes by his appearance. Now I was distressed about this, that is putting it mildly. I did ask them why there was no monitor on, they gave me the reason that since the nursery is across the hall from the playroom they can hear when they wake up. They knew I was pissed. Once, I let it slide. Yesterday I came in early again, by about an hour. I looked in the playroom and both "teachers" were in there along with the other 3 kids in high chairs. My son was not in there. Now I know my son cries pretty hard when I leave and it kills me to do it, but I know of no other way to get him used to other people. So it is mildly believable that he would wear himself out from crying. With me he usually does not go down for a nap till around 2 or so and this is after waking up between 7 and 8, which has me wondering why they always tell me he went down for a nap when he is only there between 9 and 1. Okay so anyways, I follow the teacher into the nursery and she goes in the back way, I guess to shield me from seeing Joey first. My son, my last baby, is alone in a dark room, door shut, in a swing. He is standing up crying and turned around backwards in it. What would you do? I am at a loss as to what to do. Obvious thoughts are to never take my children back there again. Our financial situation is really shaky right now and I had to pay in advance for the summer term, they also said no refunds. My kids need socialization. Desperately. I need a break. Desperately. But these things are most certainly not worth risking my babies safety and well being. The no refunds thing means there is no more money for me to find another place or person to care for them. Am I being selfish if I do take them back? I will worry myself sick if I do take them so I guess that is totally defeating the point. Am I insane for even contemplating this situation? My nerves are shot.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Thank You!!!!!!

I just want to thank everyone for keeping my family and I in their thoughts and prayers. I anxiously waited all day for mom to call me and around 3:30 she finally did. Well, dad is gonna be okay. No signs of cancer or leukemia but he does have liver and spleen swelling that cannot be explained but that was the cause of the low platelets. So I guess this happened to make all of us realize we are not invincible and we really need to take advantage of the time we have together. At least that is what I am taking from this experience.

Avoiding everything

So, I have been avoiding writing for several reasons. One, it makes me think about things too much. Two, I have spent several days doped up on percocet, I think I have another kidney stone. Three, I totally just lost my train of thought and forgot what I was even typing, Anyways, I spent my entire day cleaning and now you can actually see my kitchen sink. And it's clean! My dad goes to the dr at 2 this afternon for the results of all the tests. I am really scared but I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. I will be back later with the updates on dad.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Fathers day

It is still early so everyone but me and the fatboy are asleep. I have had a lot on my mind lately. My dad has to have a liver and spleen scan on Monday. His regular Dr sent him to an oncologist for low platelet count and the oncologist did some more blood work and the level dropped over 3000 in one week. My dad is a big man, over 6ft somewhere around 275 lbs I think. He is a diabetic and had a stint put in his heart this past year. He has been in relatively good health in spite of these problems, now I am really worried. I suffer from the "my dad is invincible and will be here forever" syndrome. It seems reality is crashing down on me in the worst way. My dad has always been the "protector" in my world. Anything goes wrong and dad will fix it. Granted, he has made me learn several harsh lessons on my own and made me learn responsibility. The thought of something being wrong with my dad is extremely unnerving. Aside from my husband and kids, my parents are my world. They are my best friends.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Very irritable

I keep going back and forth with the blog thing. I love it, I hate it. It is good and cheap therapy while being annoying.... If that makes any sense. Maybe I have just been super hormonal.
The kids started week 2 of MDO. Joeyman still hates it. Ansley is getting clingy. Weird thing is, I truly thought this would make things better for me, I think it may be doing the opposite. The kids have been so clingy it is unreal. It is getting horrible for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies more than life itself, so that is making it even more complicated. Guilt does not even come close to describing what I feel. I feel like screaming several times a day now. The horrible part is that I catch myself thinking "I just wish these fucking kids would stop crawling and hanging off of me". It is hard for me to admit that. Never in a million years would I abuse my kids in any way. I just can't help needing a little space. By that I mean going to pee by myself, sitting on the couch or chair without something else sitting on me, dog or kid. I cannot even walk to another room in my house without carrying a kid on my hip, or both hips for that matter. I am at a total loss on how to deal with this. My house has a very open floor plan, you can see into all the rooms but one while standing in between the livingroom and dining room which is attached to the kitchen. Any suggestions?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Uninhibited? Maybe

So I had a really good day yesterday, and mom quit reading now, it just gets weird trying to write about my sex life knowing you read this. Anyways, had some awesome sex last night. The hubby is apparently breaking out of his shell. Vodka has that effect I suppose. M's brother came over to watch a movie with us. You are going to laugh at this, it was Madagascar, the kids were asleep and I was covered with a blanket on the couch. You can use your imagination at this point but I was wondering what the hell he was thinking, his brother was in the same room! He was just playing but the only thought crossing my mind was "what if he notices something?" Then right on cue joeyman wakes up and I have to get up to get him before he wakes up ansley and M was scrambling for a pillow... Pretty funny I thought. The anticipation must have worked wonders because as soon as C left, M was just crazy! To me that was kinky but evidently it sparked something that works for us. I am wondering though, is that weird or gross?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

"Me" time

I got some "me" time today. Met part of the barbecue couple to get our toes done, then we got some coffee and window shopped at all the outrageously expensive shops in Surrey center, pickedup the munchkins and met the bbq couple for lunch. I really enjoyed myself. I hope she did too!

I have lost myself

A long time ago I was very opinionated and stood up for what I believed in, I had a good strong backbone. My dad has a very old fashioned outlook on this, at least when it comes to a husband wife relationship. I have always thought that I would remain a strong woman who stuck to her guns and believed in and demanded equality. Dealing with authority figures has never been my strong suit and now I am faced with what I think is a very serious problem. My dad always told m not to take any shit from me, that I was "unnecessarily bitchy and controlling", I believe this was the old fashioned attitude talking but M took him seriously. We fought for what seemed like an eternity last night. All because I am a lousy "maid". Our money situation is really tight, M is still in school and works full time but it just is not enough. Well, mothers day out is expensive. Apparently he decided to get a little manly on me and tell me that he better see a difference in the house in 2 weeks or no mothers day out. I did not take to this very well. At all. I used to work full time with the thought that I was going to take over my dad's company. Until the last month of my pregnancy with babykins. I was hospitalized and could not work, then we decided I should stay home with the kids. Which is fine, as long as I get a "me" break every now and then. I have been home for the last 2 years with 2 kids that tend to be sickly and between me and the kids I have seen enough of hospitals to last me a long long time. I need the MDO to stay sane. I talk to babies all day long, day in day out. I crave adult conversation. M does work hard and has a lot to do with school, but he will never understand about staying home. It is hard work too. I do get more breaks than he does but it is hard to explain to him why I need a few minutes of kid free time everyday. I love my babies more than life itself and believe it or not I feel the same way about M. I just need to find a balance and a happy place for myself mentally. Oh well, gotta get the munchkins up and dressed.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Growing up

It is late and I should be sleeping but I can't. My babies start mothers day out in the morning, technically today. I am a nervous wreck. We did the mothers day out thing last summer with babykins and she had a terrible time dealing with it, I was also big as a house pregnant and emotional. I stood out in the hall crying while she cried in her classroom. This happened every single time I took her, so I am very nervous about this time. Both of my babies are going. Fatboy can't really talk yet so that worries me, I want the kids to be able to tell me when something is not right. He is crawling and cruising quite well, so hopefully he will get along with the other babies. I think he may be one of the youngest ones, he just turned 9 months old. Babykins was around 18 months when I tried it last time, this time, almost 29 months and she is ready to play with other kids now. It is so bittersweet thinking about my kids, they are growing so fast and I will never have this time again. I had my tubes tied so I know there are no babies in my future. Each and every little thing they do makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Before I know it, Ansley will be dating and Joey will be playing baseball and talking about girls... At least I hope its girls. Whatever my kids do and want, I hope they are happy. And responsible. The subject of the double standard between sons and daughters came up the other night. Now I feel there will be NO double standard. What is good for one, is good for the other. I hope I raise my kids right and teach them equality and self worth. They are so close in age that I am going to lose both of them around the same time. Unless of course I have loser slackers that try to live at home forever, but we can hope this does not happen. Oh well, I need to try and get some sleep.

Monday, June 06, 2005


Last night our barbecue friends came over to mom's instead of us going out. I attempted to throw together a decent meal, just burgers and hot dogs with fries and salad. Had to put something remotely healthy in there. But, since I am bordering alcoholism now, I made a couple pitchers of margaritas. I think we are starting to loosen up a little with them. We had a good time attempting to play pictionary. The kids refused to let us. Do you know how hard it is to draw with a kid on your lap and the other one screaming? They absolutely refused to go to sleep. My guess is they were excited about new people. They seem like the type of people we could actually become good friends with. I am totally envious of their relationship though. They were so cute, all touchy feely and playful. I really miss that in my relationship. M and I used to be the same way I know, I want that again though. I want to be happy and not stressed out all the time. Time will tell right?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

blah blah blah

There is really nothing new for me to write about right now, I just felt like writing. This weekend so far has been pretty relaxing, nothing too exciting. Had a big night out Friday, haha, went to target to get the kids lunch boxes and some playclothes. Then onto O'charlies for free kids meals. Babykins has had such a good appetite lately, I think she is about to take a growing spurt. After our dinner, which everyone hated except me and the kids, we popped in on some friends. Invaded their whole night then came home to sleep. I actually got to sleep in yesterday. I slept till 11, I must have been exhausted. M is in the shower, we are getting ready to go to a friend's house for a barbecue. So far I really like the couple. They are sweet and good with the kids too. I just feel weird around new people, well, not necessarily new, but people I do not know that well. I always feel as if I have to impress them and my kids have to be spotless and well behaved then I get all mean and panicky when things are not going as planned. Especially before we get there. Last time we visited them, everything in the world went wrong before we left. Fought with M, he spilled his diet coke on my outfit and I did not have a backup, then the kids were cranky... If you can think it, it probably happened. Overall, we had a great time. I do hope this time I won't be as nervous. I think we just need to have them on home turf for me to ease up.
My mom and dad are in Louisiana this week, I hope they have a good time, they certainly need it. Although mom, being the pushover she is said no laptop, guess what they took... I was talking to her on the way to our friend's house when she told me they packed the laptop, I told her that I had bet M that she wouldn't take it, he leaned over to the phone and started chanting "I'm getting booty". My mom found this totally hilarious and I was mortified. Anyways, I need to go get clean and made up.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

No longer waiting...

Well, I guess you could say the shots kicked in... Or it could have been the entire bottle of wine I consumed. Wine seems to have that effect too. You know, I really am not an alcoholic although I seem to be consuming a lot more lately. This could be due to the fact that I am an awesome sister in law and have had Deb's little shit for the last two weeks. Now I am a good aunt, or at least I try to be. Art projects and free kids meals and shopping galore. Not to mention the trips to the park and swimming. The colonel, formerly called the little shit, is one of the most ungrateful, moody children I know. And I know moody children. She is 11 going on 3. My Babykins is more mature at 2 than the colonel is now. Unfortunately the comprehension level is about the same too. Everyone totally coddles her because her father, whom she and her mother live with, has not been a big part of her life. Bad thing is, she has the potential to be a smart and pretty kid which you know makes it that much easier for her to grate on your nerves. Don't get me wrong, I love her but I am glad these two weeks are over.
Now on to what you guys really wanted to hear about... Mom, quit reading at this point. I think the shots actually helped a lot. Took a little while longer than I expected to kick in, but, I am not broken. If I wasn't so tired I would be jumping for joy. Could have been the wine making things interesting, but it was not the average run of the mill orgasm. I highly suggest the shots, combined with a good bottle of wine, some AAA batteries and a highly anxious husband. Made for a memorable experience. I suppose that's a little too much information but what the hell, we are all adults.... Or at least I hope anyone reading this is. Well, Fatboy is finally asleep, and I am wasting precious sleep time as we speak....

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Mean as hell

The above title is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am tired. I have had an extra kid for the last 2 weeks because I am a good sister in law. We got our new laptop today, so maybe I can start writing more again. Mike thinks I am ungrateful and mean right now because I apparently had the misconception that you get a new laptop, you charge the battery and it works. He had to do some configuring for me and I am very impatient right now so of course I complained about this, but anyways, I need sleep and I will definitely finish the conclusion to waiting patiently.